A defense of Henan Zhengzhou

The other day, I was speaking to my mother (Julee) about my soon to be wife (Coco) coming to the UK. She had been asking around on facebook, how to get someone from Zhengzhou (Coco actually comes from Kaifeng, Qixian, but that’s a little too much to ask a laymen to know) a visa to come to the UK. Among the respondents on the Beijing Group's message board was a foreigner working in Beijing (whose VPN is clearly better than mine, hence the two month delay in publishing this article). He told Julee that folks from Zhengzhou would find it hard to get UK visas because, the UK authorities consider Zhengzhou to be a backwards, poor, hole, devoid of any culture whose inhabitants are constantly trying to cheat each other. He said that even among Chinese citizens, Zhengzhou, and the whole of Henan Province have an awful reputation for being cheats. 

Zhengzhou's CBD from the East

Now, I am usually the staunchest of critics when it comes to Zhengzhou, but when I read his critique of Henan's people, I welled up with anger. “Who does he think he is, to criticize a whole province of people like that?”, I thought to myself. Lets get things straight, Zhengzhou is not backwards, it is a major world metropolis whose inhabitants are incredibly friendly, open minded and forward thinking. The majority of people who live here a truly intelligent, hard working people. Zhengzhou is a city of immigrants, which is not what an outsider would expect to hear from an inland Chinese city standing tall above the central plains, but it is. Ninety percent of its inhabitants are first or second generation immigrants who have moved here to escape the poverty of the smaller towns of Henan and the backbreaking life of the country peasant. They come to Zhengzhou to work hard and earn money for their families, they are often enterprising, industrious, and motivated. 

The Henan Agricultural University in Zhengzhou, in the photo you can see an illuminated love heart, one of the boys and his friends were making an overly romantic display of love to one of the girls living in the dorm opposite.

The people of Zhengzhou also have an insatiable lust for education and self improvement, not only do they take schooling incredibly seriously, but they also strive for the best for their children, paying thousands to train them in music, art, dance, literature and languages (usually English). The Zhengzhou Ren that I've met also long to better themselves, going to incredible lengths to go back to school and learn new skills. 

Zhengzhou at Sunrise

When visitors come to Zhengzhou, they often complain about the poor quality of products and services when compared with other top world cities such as London, New York or Hong Kong as well as lack of professionalism. True, standards are no doubt lower, but lets look at things objectively. Where was Zhengzhou, say, 30 years ago. I've been doing my research and here is a photo I've found of Zhengzhou from 1983:

Zhengzhou in 1983. When I showed my students this photo, most didn’t recognise it as Zhengzhou, despite the iconic Erqi Tower in the centre.

Lets compare this with a photo of Zhengzhou from today:

 

A recent photo of Erqi Square, this photo however is missing the new Zhengzhou subway and a group of new skyscrapers which have since been built.

Zhengzhou's transformation has been phenomenally quick and dramatic. The only structure which seems to have survives the makeover is Zhengzhou's now famous Erqi Tower.

The people have changed too.

Thirty years ago, Zhengzhou would have been a poor, simple community with only the basics for daily life. Poverty would have been the reality for the majority of its residents. Real Poverty. Not “Relative Poverty”*, where you might not have enough to eat, where you don't have your own toilet, but you have to share a hole with 100 others. During the cultural revolution, people in Henan would eat grass ans tree bark just to survive.

Thirty years ago, Zhengzhou had almost no interaction with the world outside, and, coupled with decades of Maoist repression of education, the people only had a basic knowledge, educational traditions would have been destroyed by the cultural revolution and the people of Zhengzhou would have had to start from scratch after Deng Xiao Ping seized power.

A thunderstorm in Zhengzhou. I'm proud to say that this is a photo I took on a compact out my bedroom window. The sky in Zhengzhou rarely looks so dramatic!

In the last thirty years, Zhengzhou, along with the rest of China has developed at a speed so fast, it is unprecedented in human history, but catching up with the developed world takes a long time. The people have come along way, but high standards of education, professionalism and work ethic still elude Henan's capital, but I cant imagine it will be too long before the Chinese catch up with the rest of the world in this respect. You only have to look at Hong Kong to see China's potential.

As for Zhengzhou being devoid of culture, it may not be a hub like London or Paris, but it isn't for lack of trying. A few months ago, the Henan Museum held an Exhibition of British artworks. These artworks were borrowed from a moribund gallery in the North of England, perhaps, Bolton? The people of this city have no interest in the works and the gallery, struggling to make ends meet, loans out the art to the enthusiastic art lovers in Zhengzhou who don't take such collections for granted. The exhibition was a great success. The residents of Zhengzhou are all too aware that Cultural forays may be few and far between so they make the most of them whenever they come along. Classical music concerts are always sold out, with the people seemingly trying to catch up after years of cultural isolation.

A fun little gold bubble building in the CBD of Zhengzhou, Henan.

Cheating happens all over the world, especially in the vicinity of train stations, airports and terminus' of all kinds.

And then, after writing an impassioned defence of the people of Zhengzhou and Henan at large, I'm sitting in a restaurant, a very small, dirty one where the food is cheap. I over hear some punk mouthing off about foreigners, clearly aimed it me. “Foreigners are bad people”, “The only reason they come here is because they cant get work in their own country”, “they should all go back to wherever they came from”. He glared at me, and I glared back. He knew I understood and that made his day. I poured my eggplant and rice over his face, in my imagination anyway, but I was hungry, and besides, it would just make that blockhead even more of a obstinate ignoramus than he already was. Blacks, Whites and Indians already suffer enough racism in China, there's no point in making it any worse. Every time something like this happens (and it happens a lot), it makes me think, only this guy is saying it, but how many others are thinking it? Why should I even bother defending this place? 

An artists impression of the new Zhengzhou East Railway station, apparently the biggest railway station in Asia. I don't think I believe that.

*Note for foreigners living in Zhengzhou, a month after writing this article, a group of middle aged women from the UK were beaten up by a thirty strong nun chuck gang, for no reason other than their appearance. Zhengzhou has become a dangerous place for foreigners, especially those who hang out at Target, Tao and Song Song. I know many Zhengzhou Ex-pats read my blog so here is my advice to you, don't exacerbate the problem by acting aggressive, you're an advert for all foreigners in this city, remember everything you do has reverberations.

4 Unique Date Ideas and We're Not Talking Dried Fruit!

It's a pretty universal feeling on both the man and woman's side – first dates generally suck. It's not the date itself per se that leaves something to be desired, just the mundane act of first getting to meet somebody. Even the fanciest motiv bowling balls from www.bowlingballs.com can't hide the memories of a failed bowling date in the past. Likewise even a free meal of the most exotic cuisine won't make up for lack of chemistry or a narcissistic or boring date. These unique date ideas offer a much different way of getting to know a person and if the date fails, you'll have a cool memory regardless.

Sign Up For a Mud Run

Mud fitness runs are all the raves these days. The obstacle courses require people to climb over fences, under barbed wire fences,  and through fields pushing their body to the limit at their own pace. A mud run date might be a good idea although it requires signing up a few weeks in advance. This can actually work in your advantage as you can talk or text with your date as the event nears with a common topic to begin your conversation. Afterward you can have a beer and nurse your wounds together and you'll have a nice relaxing night going with the flow.

Good clean fun. The noble art of mud running.

Go To a Creativity Center

Creativity centers are popping up in cities of all sizes and they present a unique date opportunity. You'll participate in classes in a group setting so there isn't as much pressure and you'll have talking points as you both try and follow the instructor's directions to build the intended craft. If there's no future date, at least you have a handmade craft out of the process.

Spend a Couple Hours at the Mall

You don't have to be a teenager to enjoy a day spent at the mall. Besides shopping you can hit the mall arcade, view an exhibit, listen to headphones at a record store and get a bite to eat in the food court. You can play made up games like guessing people's occupations or make bets such as which store people will go into.

Hit a Dive Bar

Most people consider a date getting all dressed up and going to the finest establishments but a 180 on the social scene can be just as fun. Don some jeans and a t-shirt and hit some dive bars in town to interact with the creatures there. You'll find there's some of the friendliest people on Earth at local dive bars and together with your date you'll have a night to remember.

Everyone loves a dive. Some of my best memories were lost at the moon under water, recently renamed matt's.

If you really want a date to work, it involves some creativity and outside the box thinking but the end result will be much more satisfying.

Serious Travel Article 16: From Zhengzhou to Qingdao on the Slow Sleeper Train - Part 1

It was a hot day in late spring (summer to most people, but in China they use arbitrary dates to define their seasons) and I was sweltering in Zhengzhou, a landlocked city on the southern bank of the Yellow River. I had come to China six months earlier with the intention of travelling across this great civilisation state and getting acquainted with, what undoubtedly will become, the worlds next superpower. As a means to this end, I'd found a job, for visa reasons as much as sustenance. After promises of long vacations and endless travel opportunity, I found that my employers were adept in the art of trickery. I worked long and hard, asking for holiday constantly, and now, on this scorching May afternoon, the powers that be, had finally said yes. 

Zhengzhou is a beautiful city, as you can see.

“I'll give you three days off, but then you have to work for two weeks straight”, was about the gist of it, but I couldn’t care less. After six months of smoggy suffocation, it was like my straight jacket had been taken off and I'd been set free upon the world! I spent the rest of the working day beaming with excitement, China was my oyster! Where would I go? Three days isn't exactly a long time after all!

I began asking all my students where I could go. I wanted to go somewhere off the beaten track, unknown to most and therefore empty. The best tourist attractions are the ones devoid of people and therefore anywhere which is widely acclaimed or published about is likely to disappoint. They began telling me about places in Henan Province, Dengfeng, Yuntai Mountain, Luoyang, Song Shan, Kaifeng . I rejected them all out of hand. Now don't get me wrong, Henan Province has some great attractions, chief among them, Song Shan, home of the Shaolin Temple, but I had a three day holiday (a massive deal in China) and I had to make the most of it, I could get to Dengfeng within the hour, I needed to treasure this short break! I told my students I wanted to visit the sea, could they suggest a little seaside town, off the beaten track? Perhaps a Chinese Rainbow Beach? They told me about Haikou, Sanya, Dalian and Qingdao. 

A gorge near Yuntai Mountain in Henan Province, China

 

“Are they off the beaten track?” I asked for the seventeenth time.

“Shamayisi?” (Chinese for what the bloody hell are you on about?), they continued to reply.

“It means a place which not many people know about, and even fewer visit.”

“Why you like to going there?”, they replied in Chinglish (Chinese English)

“Ta shi da ben dan!” One of them giggled (assuming I couldn't understand) sending the rest of the class into a fit of hysteria.

“I'll have you know I'm not a big stupid egg”, That wiped to smirk of his face. Chinese people become mortified if you reveal you can understand their Mandarin insults and pick them up on it.

“I want to go somewhere off the beaten track because I want to visit a beautiful place that isn't teeming with other people, a place with landmarks and attraction which I can enjoy to their fullest extent.”

“But if its good, then it will be busy, if It's not busy it's not interesting”, one of my students retorted.

“What about Vanuatu, the Cook Islands, Strawberry Hill House, Tenby, The Kamchatka Peninsula, Kakadu National Park or Saint Helena?” I gave a list of places I would consider interesting but would certainly not be rammed with people. “Are these not fascinating places to visit?”

“No”, they said together resoundingly.

“Why?” I shouted, demanding an explanation.

“We never heard of them! How they can be good?” They insisted.

Places which aren’t famous are probably rubbish, as you can see. It's circular thinking at its most useful for those of us who actually want to go to the Cook Islands.

I could have gone on arguing, but I resigned myself to a simple “there's more of us than there are of you” defeat.

“I guess you're right” I lied, “So are Dalian, Qingdao, Sanya and Haikou the only towns on the Chinese Coast?”

“Yes”, one of the students said unequivocally

“No”, another student blurted out. “There's Xiamen and Shanghai too!”

“Wonderful”, I lied again, a map would've been more bloody help to me. I refused to believe that the entire Chinese coast consisted of just six places. That China was akin to the world of the Australian soap opera “Neighbours” in which the only places in the world are Erinsborough, Melbourne, Sydney, London, New York, the bush and the countryside.

Pin Oak Court in Melbourne is home to my favourite soap opera.

I promised myself that hell would freeze over before I visited an industrial coastal metropolis like Dalian, Shanghai or Qingdao!

After careful consideration and half an hours web research, I came to the conclusion Lian Dao was the place to go. According to the internet, a beautiful, almost unspoiled island in the East China Sea, conveniently connected to the mainland by a six kilometre sea dyke, the longest in China, apparently. I chose it by drawing a straight line from Zhengzhou to the Sea, attempting to find the shortest possible route. Failing Lian Dao, I would take a longer (but hopefully faster) train to Xiamen, a city whose many islands I had longed to visit since arriving in China. 

I don't think I want to go to Lian Dao any more.

 

At eight O' Clock sharp, after my lessons were finished, I ran excitedly the one and a half kilometres from the shopping centre where I taught English to the train station. In the process tiring myself out and replacing my giddy enthusiasm with a gut wrenching stitch. On the bright side, I gave a few thousand Zhengzhou natives a funny story to the their friends.

“I saw the funniest thing today! A big fat foreigner, face as red as a flag, running through the streets screaming something about horses! Big fat man boobs going up and down with each obese step. He had a big stupid wig on too! Looked like he had a mop on his head. Here, I took a picture!”

I got to the station in an unpleasant sweaty heap. To my relief I had a long queue in front of me, giving me a chance to compose myself and think of what to say. As a grew nearer the ticket kiosk, my panic at not having a clue what to say turned to dread, but to my surprise I managed to recall enough Mandarin to get my train tickets. 

Zhengzhou's was voted China's ugliest train station.

 

“One sleeper to Lianyungang (the city next to Lian Dao) please”, at least I think that's what I said!

“Mei You”, she said without emotion.

Mei You are two words you don't want to hear in China. It means, no, don't have or I'm not depending on the context. It also reminds you how much you miss mayonnaise (it's pronounced Mayo) as China only seems to produce “Sweet Mayonnaise”, a product which is truly, diabolically disgusting!

“No matter!” (one of my few fluent expressions) “One sleeper to Xiamen please”

“Mei You”, She repeated.

“Oh bloody hell, what am I going to do now!” I blurted out in frustration.

“Ting bu dong” (Another expression meaning what the bloody hell are you on about?)

“Buhaoyisi”, I said apologizing for my linguistic indiscretion.

“Well in that case, where can I go that's by the sea?”

She consulted her computer screen and said simply;

“Qingdao”.

Watching my best laid plans collapsing before my eyes, I accepted the Qingdao sleeper tickets, the way a runner up accepts a wooden spoon and glumly plodded back to my apartment.

All I knew about Qingdao was its size. Qingdao is big, really big. It has an urban population of about four million, but if you consider its vast sprawl, the population explodes to figure closer to nine million. The only reason Qingdao isn't considered a great world mega city is because it exists in a nation of impossibly big mega cities, all of which have a tendency to blend into the edges of one another. 

I was a little worried about going to Qingdao

I felt only dread before my trip to Qingdao.

End of Part 1

For part 2 Please Click Here: From Zhengzhou to Qingdao on the Slow Sleeper Train: Part 2

Widespread Medical Incompetence in China Almost Killed Me!

Before I begin writing this post, I am aware I ought to tread carefully to avoid causing offence. Let me state now that I don't hate Chinese doctors but the incompetent to the point of dangerous ones operating in China today, and there are a lot. Might I also point out that I of the Dawkins (Richard) and Brown (Derran) school of thought when it comes to medicine. To plagiarize Minchin (Tim), my diplomacy dyke is seriously compromised when a well meaning friend offers to cure my illness with a homoeopathic remedy or suggests acupuncture, so the following is not a swipe at the exotic, just at stupidity.

Derran Brown, who shares my views on medical charlatans.

I have diarrhoea, not the most picturesque thought but essential to my story I assure you. I've had it for about 5 days now and clearly the initial novelty and excitement one initially feels has long worn off.To end the watery flow it took some Tesco anti-diarrhoea pills, as instructed, and like magic, I was bunged up, stomach aching. But, at least I diddn't have half of Zhengzhou fussing over me and insisting I visited the hospital for blood tests and (the dreaded) "dripping"!

For the pain of the bunging up, I took the anti inflammatory Ibuprofen. I later found out that this is known to aggravate stomach pain so stopped taking it, but my gaffe prolonged my condition to a point where the calls for a hospital visit became impossible to escape. On the third day of my illness I was accompanied by my fiancée and her brother to the hospital.

I told doctor number one that I had been suffering from low blood pressure, feeling feint and such. Could she check my blood pressure for me. She puffed up the armband and told me my blood pressure was 102.

A true blood pressure reading must contain systolic pressure (when the heart contracts) and diastolic (when the heart relaxes). Thank you AS level Biology class!

"Don't worry, 102 is very normal", she said.
"102 over what?" I asked, clearly unhappy with half a reading.
"Just 102", she insisted.
"That makes no sense, you need a diastolic reading too", I paraphrased, unable to used such medical jargon in Chinese.
"Don't worry, you're fine", she parroted again and again to all my complaints.

After her exchange with me, she laughed with the others present about how all foreigners are so silly, or words to that effect. Everyone laughed. They must have been thinking of how similar I was to the half Korean half Somalian woman that came in the week before. She told me she had no idea how to treat me and I should go to another hospital. A rare display of honesty from the woman who would almost kill me later.

The Pretty Pink Nurses of the Ugly Zhengzhou Peoples Hospital March in Formation.

Doctor number two at Zhengzhou People's Hospital lay me down on a bed and began to poke my belly at various sensitive pressure spots. He told me to identify which one hurt most.

"All of them", I screamed
"But wish wun iz moss", he insisted on using English.
"They all hurt equally", I clarified.

He clearly had a plan and wouldn’t accept none of them for an answer. 

He pushed again, this time lighter on all points except my lower right belly (just above my appendix) which he pushed phenomenally hard causing me to convulse in pain.

Whiss wun hursh mosser?

I could see what he was trying to do so I lied.

"The middle left, really hurts", I said, unconvincingly.
"I sink so yes", he said pointing at my appendix, totally ignoring my lie.
I said "No, not there"

He repeated his "Experiment", inflicting more, unbelievable pain, and I'm convinced trying to induce appendicitis.

I Love my Appendix, despite being useless, I want to keep it. It's not doing me any harm!

He gestured at my appendix and said, its got to come out! But don't worry, we can do the operation today! (He was back to Chinese after exhausting his English) He repeated his experiment (out of spite) until I forced him to stop and told him he was pushing way harder on my appendix and that if I had appendicitis I probably would have felt it before meeting him. He grew angry that I didn't believe him and tried to repeat his torture but I overpowered him and left the money grabbing organ thief to fume in his office. I also may have told him that he was a dangerous quack with no ethics and he could do dirty things to himself.

I have no problems deservedly causing Chinese bastards to lose face. If it ruins their day all the better. The worst thing a doctor can do is sacrifice the health of his patients for the sake of financial greed. I wish all the unhappiness in the world to "Doctors" like him.

Doctor number three, also at Zhengzhou People's Hospital said nothing of appendicitis, and prescribed me five drips of fluids and anti inflammatories. The same ones which gave me the stomach pains. He didn’t know either, but at least he wasn't intentionally dangerous. I was polite and civil. After acting shitty to one person in China, I always make a point of being overly nice to the next ten people I meet, to stop the foreigners of Zhengzhou being seen as rude, disgusting barbarians (whom some of them are, see my post about drug taking idiots by clicking here ).

I went back to doctor number one for my drip because she practised close to my home, not because I was impressed by her blood pressure reading skills. I thought, drips are as common as pills in China, what's the worst that could happen? Of course the answer to that is a bubble in the drip being sucked into the vein and causing a blockage in the heart or brain causing death if untreated. Like clockwork, I noticed that bubble in my drip line, it was too close to my hand to stop the flow but I shouted bubble at the top of my lungs and tried to pull the line from my hand. The doctor and assistants rushed to stop me and as I was overpowered I saw the bubble rush into my bloodstream.  

Air Embolism, caused by air bubbles in drips (among other things) can kill. You Shi, not Mei Shi!

They laughed once more as I sat terrified at the possibility of imminent death. "Aren’t foreigners pathetic", they giggled, "scared of a little bubble, I've never known such a fuss". Later the doctor assured me the it was nothing (Mei Shu) and that a bubble of less than 0.5ml was harmless. Two problems with that, 1 she didn’t measure the bubble and later research by me found the statement to be absolute bullshit and my concern totally justified.

I am lucky to be alive, no thanks to Medicine, as practised (not enough clearly) in China, well Zhengzhou anyway! If you come to China, watch out! For you appendix especially.  

P.S. My Appendix is still sore from that bastard doctor, can Appendicitis be induced by an external injury I wonder?