16 Things I've Learned in China

What I've learned in China: The following list has been compiled over two years of close observation. As odd as some of it may sound, I have been told the following information by respected people in all seriousness.

1. If you walk backwards while drinking water and stamping your feet, you will reverse your blood circulation. This is very healthy, so much so that it will allow you to significantly extend your lifespan. Remarkable that such a simple action can actually put your heart into reverse! Source: A health show on CCTV.
   
   

   

   Chinese people are walking to health, they should be walking backwards, drinking water if they want to reverse their circulation!

   
   
2. Bacteria and viruses enter the body through the feet. If you wear your socks you can avoid most infections. There is however a slight complication, these pesky microbes go to sleep early so you only have to wear your socks in the morning, If you want to go barefoot at home in the evening, that's fine. The bacteria and viruses are asleep. Source: My local GP who explained carefully how contracted norovirus (winter vomiting disease), why it was my own fault and how I can prevent future infections.
   
   

   

   Socks are Important if one wishes to protect oneself against viruses and bacteria. Only take them off when the microbes are asleep!

   
   
3. Hot water is the elixir of life. You can solve any ailment just by drinking piping hot water. Source: Everyone in China
   
   

   

   Steaming hot water will cure any ailment, guaranteed!

   
   
4. Viruses and Bacteria infect people by nationality. Meaning that Chinese people get Chinese illnesses and foreigners get foreign illnesses. Source: The doctor who told a Dutch friend of mine that he couldn’t be treated as he had a foreign disease that only foreigners could get and only foreign doctors could treat. 
   
   
   
   

   

   Various types of Chinese bacteria shown in pink, with Foreign bacteria shown in blue. Chinese nationals can only be infected by the corresponding bacteria and likewise with foreigners. The same is true of Viruses. Naturally most foreigners don't know this as we have little dealings with Chinese Bacteria which although live globally, choose only to affect Chinese Nationals.

   
   
5. There are only two true countries in the world, Zhong Guo (The Middle Kingdom) and Wai Guo (The Outside Kingdom). Going by history, The Middle Kingdom, (otherwise known as China) consists of The People's Republic of, The Republic of China (Taiwan, fair enough), Outer Mongolia (Genghis Kahn was Chinese), Korea (North and South, naturally), Japan (Which as we all know is just a “2000 year old Chinese fart” (One of my students really said that!) and the majority of the South China Sea. Outside  is Foreign. In Foreign, people are all foreigners. Foreigners are strange creature with weird habits and customs, however, from Mogadishu to Montevideo we are all the same. Source: The majority of my students. Which reminds me of the next thing I've learned.
   
   

   

   Greater China (Dark Orange)

   
   
   
   
6. Foreigners are all the same. Foreigners are all naïve, rich, English speakers who can always be cheated. (Ancient Chinese Proverb: You can always fool a foreigner) If you see one on the street in China, it is important to greet them by saying “hallow(with a rising intonation)” before laughing about it with your friends just as you're sure the foreigner wont stop to speak to you. Source: Living in China for 2 years.
   
   

   

   All foreigners look the same!

   
   
   
   
7. Attaching electrodes to your tummy will make you thin. The electricity will zap away all the excess fat leaving you trim and sexy! Source: A never ending commercial on Henan TV.
   
   

   

   Slimming in China, the electrocution way!

   
   
8. Foreign cuisine, in its entirety, consists of Steak with black pepper sauce, spaghetti with ketchup and a fried egg. Source: Most “Foreign” restaurants in China.
   
   

   

   All western food is based on this. Hmmmmm.

   
   
9. Sushi is Chinese. Source: Many People.
   
   
   
   

   

   Sushi is Chinese.

   
   
10. Soccer is Chinese. Source: Everyone I meet.
11. Ping Pong is Chinese. Source: Everyone in China.
12. KFC is Chinese. It means Kai Feng Cai. Source: Popular Joke in Henan.
13. Unilever is Chinese. Source: A silly girl called Li Fang Fang.
14. Spoiled celebrity tots going on amazing once in a lifetime adventures with their superstar dads makes compelling viewing! Source: Daddy: Where are we going? (A very popular TV show in China.
    
    
     

    

    Daddy, Where are we going?

    
    
    
    
15. If a boy wants to get married, he (or his parents) need to, pay a dowry to the girls parents, but the girl a house, buy the girl a car (usually) and give all wedding money (money paid to the bride and groom to help them start out in life) to the brides mother. Source: Modern China
16. It is preferable to have a boy than a girl despite the above. Source: Chinese Traditional Thought. 
    
    

    

    If the poor boy does manage to buy his lady's love, his wedding will be a lot like a tacky ITV game show! Lucky Boy!