16 Things I've Learned in China

What I've learned in China: The following list has been compiled over two years of close observation. As odd as some of it may sound, I have been told the following information by respected people in all seriousness.

1. If you walk backwards while drinking water and stamping your feet, you will reverse your blood circulation. This is very healthy, so much so that it will allow you to significantly extend your lifespan. Remarkable that such a simple action can actually put your heart into reverse! Source: A health show on CCTV.
   
   

   

   Chinese people are walking to health, they should be walking backwards, drinking water if they want to reverse their circulation!

   
   
2. Bacteria and viruses enter the body through the feet. If you wear your socks you can avoid most infections. There is however a slight complication, these pesky microbes go to sleep early so you only have to wear your socks in the morning, If you want to go barefoot at home in the evening, that's fine. The bacteria and viruses are asleep. Source: My local GP who explained carefully how contracted norovirus (winter vomiting disease), why it was my own fault and how I can prevent future infections.
   
   

   

   Socks are Important if one wishes to protect oneself against viruses and bacteria. Only take them off when the microbes are asleep!

   
   
3. Hot water is the elixir of life. You can solve any ailment just by drinking piping hot water. Source: Everyone in China
   
   

   

   Steaming hot water will cure any ailment, guaranteed!

   
   
4. Viruses and Bacteria infect people by nationality. Meaning that Chinese people get Chinese illnesses and foreigners get foreign illnesses. Source: The doctor who told a Dutch friend of mine that he couldn’t be treated as he had a foreign disease that only foreigners could get and only foreign doctors could treat. 
   
   
   
   

   

   Various types of Chinese bacteria shown in pink, with Foreign bacteria shown in blue. Chinese nationals can only be infected by the corresponding bacteria and likewise with foreigners. The same is true of Viruses. Naturally most foreigners don't know this as we have little dealings with Chinese Bacteria which although live globally, choose only to affect Chinese Nationals.

   
   
5. There are only two true countries in the world, Zhong Guo (The Middle Kingdom) and Wai Guo (The Outside Kingdom). Going by history, The Middle Kingdom, (otherwise known as China) consists of The People's Republic of, The Republic of China (Taiwan, fair enough), Outer Mongolia (Genghis Kahn was Chinese), Korea (North and South, naturally), Japan (Which as we all know is just a “2000 year old Chinese fart” (One of my students really said that!) and the majority of the South China Sea. Outside  is Foreign. In Foreign, people are all foreigners. Foreigners are strange creature with weird habits and customs, however, from Mogadishu to Montevideo we are all the same. Source: The majority of my students. Which reminds me of the next thing I've learned.
   
   

   

   Greater China (Dark Orange)

   
   
   
   
6. Foreigners are all the same. Foreigners are all naïve, rich, English speakers who can always be cheated. (Ancient Chinese Proverb: You can always fool a foreigner) If you see one on the street in China, it is important to greet them by saying “hallow(with a rising intonation)” before laughing about it with your friends just as you're sure the foreigner wont stop to speak to you. Source: Living in China for 2 years.
   
   

   

   All foreigners look the same!

   
   
   
   
7. Attaching electrodes to your tummy will make you thin. The electricity will zap away all the excess fat leaving you trim and sexy! Source: A never ending commercial on Henan TV.
   
   

   

   Slimming in China, the electrocution way!

   
   
8. Foreign cuisine, in its entirety, consists of Steak with black pepper sauce, spaghetti with ketchup and a fried egg. Source: Most “Foreign” restaurants in China.
   
   

   

   All western food is based on this. Hmmmmm.

   
   
9. Sushi is Chinese. Source: Many People.
   
   
   
   

   

   Sushi is Chinese.

   
   
10. Soccer is Chinese. Source: Everyone I meet.
11. Ping Pong is Chinese. Source: Everyone in China.
12. KFC is Chinese. It means Kai Feng Cai. Source: Popular Joke in Henan.
13. Unilever is Chinese. Source: A silly girl called Li Fang Fang.
14. Spoiled celebrity tots going on amazing once in a lifetime adventures with their superstar dads makes compelling viewing! Source: Daddy: Where are we going? (A very popular TV show in China.
    
    
     

    

    Daddy, Where are we going?

    
    
    
    
15. If a boy wants to get married, he (or his parents) need to, pay a dowry to the girls parents, but the girl a house, buy the girl a car (usually) and give all wedding money (money paid to the bride and groom to help them start out in life) to the brides mother. Source: Modern China
16. It is preferable to have a boy than a girl despite the above. Source: Chinese Traditional Thought. 
    
    

    

    If the poor boy does manage to buy his lady's love, his wedding will be a lot like a tacky ITV game show! Lucky Boy!

    
    

The Censors are Closing in!

They're following me!

They know where I live,
They know who I am!

They're Closing In!

How long can I keep going?

My VPN is getting blocked again and again!

It's been 2 months since I last got over the Great Firewall, how long will it be before I get over again?

I've got to make the most of it.

Post Nonsense.

Post apologies.

If I don't update my blog again, you know why.

The Chinese Censors got me.

Censored Travel Writer Sammy Corfield (I refer to myself in third person not because I'm an arrogant git but because I plan on googling myself later(Laugh)) escaping on an E-Bike

How Travelling has turned me into an Imperialist Bigot

Long long ago, a baby was born in the heart of leafy, liberal, (appologies for the half arsed attempt at alliteration) happy, clappy, multicultural south west London. I was taught by my family, teachers and media that all were equal and that we should respect each others cultures. I agreed, to this day my friends include, Muslims, Conservatives, Hindus, Koreans, Chinese, Environmentalists, Christians, Egyptians, Atheists, Communists, Feminists, Jews, Black People and Dutch. (Notice how I mixed Religious, Ethnic and Political groupings as if it were appropriate). As I set off on my journeys, I was what you could call a cultural relativist, believing that it was impossible to objectively judge one culture against another as one would always begin from ones own cultural viewpoint.

My Hometown, Beautiful leafy Twickenham. Vince Cableland.

Before I embarked on adventure I voted for Peter May (Libdem) in the 2010 general election (a decision I now regret). (Those of you who are as clever as you are sexy will now have worked out in which constituency I was living during that fateful coalition producing year).

I travelled to Morocco and Egypt, and I noticed that, out and about, especially working, there were more men than women. When I came back I asked my Muslim friend Shahel "Do they have gay people in Muslim countries?" To which he replied "No, gay people only exist in western nations". Remarkable! I thought to myself.

"They don't have gay people in Muslim countries" - Shahel Masud

I travelled to Australia on multiple occasions where I noticed a conspicuous absence of Aboriginal people in positions of power. The only aboriginal people I saw were bush and rainforest tour guides. They were some of the most intelligent and insightful people I met during my trip but seemed to find it almost impossible to break out of what occurred to me as the aboriginal bubble of Art centres, bush tours and "getting drunk and falling over". If you ask even the most liberal of Australians, they seem to get unnaturally defensive about the subject of Aboriginals. Odd.

Second from Left, Rosie, one of the smartest people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. She told me the secret to the perfect relationship. Clever, clever woman. If you want to find her, go to Mossman Gorge in the Daintree Rainforest. You'll find her! 

I now live in China which is truly a country of contradictions. I both love it enormously and hate it passionately at the same time. I love the way that if you pull a few strings, do one or two favours or have a good friend, you can get something, anything you want, done. But I hate the endemic corruption. I love the way they have kept many of their traditions, but I hate the way they kill animals in the cruellest ways to get ingredients for concoctions based on old wives tales. I love the friendliness of the Chinese people but I hate the barely concealed slyness, ludicrously high propensity to cheat each other and the way that when you catch them red handed, they say Mei Shu (It doesn't matter), Yo Shi, It does fucking well matter you lying shit! (Can you feel any pent up frustration peeping through?) I love getting presents from my students but I hate the blatant brown nosing and I benefit from the prosperity but i suffer from the pollution.

Beautiful, historic Kaifeng City, my fiancée’s Hometown. 

However, living in China has taught me one thing. That whatever you may think, western countries including the UK, are infinitely superior. Our culture of education doesn't end up with suicides, corruption and cheating. Our culture of Marriage doesn't result in suicide, second wives and third wheels. If a man wants to marry a woman, he dosen't need his parents to buy him a house and pay a dowry. Girls in the west (whatever you may think) are nowhere near as materialistic as they are in China.  

Sure the Countries of the West have their own problems, namely crime and idleness but they pale in comparison to those across the sea. Everyone getting riled up by my words should think hard and ask themseles if they've lived in two or more countries (of different civilisations) for long enough to compare them objectively. I doubt anyone who is offended by my critique of Chinese society has lived here for any sizeable amount of time and integrated into the middle kingdom to the extent that I have. 

So I've come to the conclusion that, If you travel, and you really come into contact with host cultures, you cant help but to compare them. I'm sure you've all done it, even if it's just critiquing Spanish Bull Fighting. And why not? I’ve read too many travel writers (with the exception of the great leader Paul Theroux (of course!)) that only say good things about host cultures, why can't we criticize them too?

Critical Comments Welcome!

Gaokao. The World's most deadly exam!

A few days ago I was walking cycling down the street on my way to work. To my surprise I saw a mass of people, at least  thousand camped outside the school complete with corporate tents handing out free drinks and dozens of TV cameras. The people were mostly middle aged and older folks. Sitting, squatting and standing nervously wherever they could find space. As I got closer I could see that many of them had their hands clenched together and their eyes closed. A few of them were even crying.

Book Mountain, High School students in China study for their final exams, the Gaokao

I cycled on to find three more high schools had been mobbed by the grieving parents. It looked as though there had been a terrorist attack and they were all out the mourn the victims, such was the sombre atmosphere.

I found out later that they were the parents of high school students taking their final high school exams, the dreaded Gaokao. 11 years of education comes down to one, four part mega exam. The students have been preparing for their Gaokao since the age of 8. Repeating and reciting the answers, the methods, reading until 3am only to begin school at 6am the next day.

A Gaokao cartoon, the father's sign reads "only four days to go until the Gaokao" and the mother saying "You Go Girl!"

There's good reason to study hard, the Gaokao is the only exam taken in China where cheating is not tolerated. Students have to pass on merit alone, and their entire future is decided on the results of this one exam.

A woman prays for her Child during the Gaokao.

A high score means scholarships to the top universities and a white collar life as a top professional. A low score means failure, embarrassment for parents and a life of hard graft for the failed student unless daddy can buy them a nice stable job. The pressure is so great that some even kill themselves.

Schools motivate their students with fascist style rallies to get them to keep marching on despite the terrible burden relentless study takes on their bodies and minds.

This is the one chance kids from a poor family get to break through the social barriers which dictate the lives of most people in the "communist" country. No wonder parents spend hours sitting on the wall outside the exam hall like nervous wrecks, just praying their kids do well.

Crowds of parents wait for their children to finish their exam

There is something fundamentally unfair about the Gaokao, despite sounding meritocratic. Each province has a quota for how many students are allowed to pass. In provinces like Hainan, Tibet, Xinjiang and Beijing, provinces with tiny populations, the Gaokao is an easy exam with high pass rates and a good chance of going to top university. In Henan however, the province in which I live, the pass rates are exceptionally high due to a population of over 100 million.

More Parents expectantly waiting for their kids after a Gaokao exam.

I've heard a story about two boys taking the Gaokao, one from Zhengzhou, Henan and the other from Beijing. The student from Zhengzhou got a score of 600, but failed to get a place at a good university or any scholarships. The boy from Beijing got 490 on the same test, getting a place at QingHua, China's most prestigious university. The Zhengzhou lad went on to become a migrant worker, scraping a living building luxury apartments. The Beijinger became an architect, designing the very same buildings.

Parents waiting for hours outside the exam halls during the Chinese University Entrance Exams or Gaokao.

Students taking their A levels or SAT's don't have any concept of pressure. I consider myself lucky to be born in the UK, if I was Chinese I wouldn’t stand a chance.
 

Rant of the Day: I Before E Except After C

I sometimes teach English for money (note - I am not an English Teacher), so occasionally I come to lament my pathetic spelling. I am incapable of spelling any word which is not phonetic or has a collection of similar sounding vowels in sequence.

Especially, words like Wierd, Thier or Sceince.

Then I realized something, I spell these words wrong because of being made to recite "I before E except after C", like a sacred mantra at school. With these words I follow the rule and get it wrong.

Here is a list of words which don't follow the rule:

• absenteeism
• agreeing
• albeit
• atheist
• beige
• being
• caffeine
• canoeing
• codeine
• counterfeit
• deign
• deity
• edelweiss
• eiderdown
• eight
• either
• fahrenheit
• feign
• feint
• feisty
• foreign
• forfeit
• freight
• gneiss
• heifer
• height
• heir
• herein
• leisure
• leitmotif
• madeira
• neigh
• neighbour
• neither
• oleic
• pein
• plebeian
• pleiades
• protein
• seize
• reign
• rein
• reinstate etc
• reveille
• seeing
• sheik
• skein
• sleigh
• sleight
• sovereign
• spontaneity
• surfeit
• surveillance
• their
• therein
• veil
• vein
• weigh
• weight
• weir
• weird
• wherein
• ancient
• co-efficient
• concierge
• conscience
• deficient
• efficient
• fancied
• financier
• glacier
• hacienda
• inscient
• omniscient
• policies
• prescient
• prima facie
• proficient
• science
• society
• species
• sufficient

In fact there are more words which break the rule than obey it. So, thank you for ruining my spelling "I before E except after C"!

P.S. The Travel Articles will resume shortly. 

This is hell. Standing on a slow train for 11 hours between Beijing and Zhengzhou.

Usually, if you can't book a sleeper ticket before your journey in China, you can just upgrade to sleeper class when you get on the train.

I was amongst the crowd at a busy Beijing railway station, fighting my way onto my train back to Zhengzhou. It was a Friday night, and all the lowly paid migrant workers were on their way back to Henan Provice for the weekend.I had at least got a seat, I was sure of that. My ticket had a seat number. Coach 9, seat 12. Hard seat class.

Waiting to buy train tickets in China

They call it hard seat class but that's a misleading name. The seats are soft and relatively comfortable despite being packed rather closely together. I'd spent 6 happy hours playing poker with some policemen in the hard seat class of a train from Zhengzhou to Wuhan when I first arrived in China.

As I boarded the train, it was clearly packed. The migrant workers were busily shoving their sacks into any vacant nook or cranny they could find. There was the normal queue of people when you board a train but that would go away when everyone had sat down in their seats.

A man with a sack boarding a train in China

Then the doors shut.

Outside, dozens of people were still trying to get on, shouting at the guards who were struggling to hold them all back.

The train started to move and the chaotic queue still hadn’t gone away. I suddenly noticed that all the seats were taken. Including mine! There was no way I could move, we were packed in like sardines. At this point many of the migrant workers had begun sitting down on their sacks. Others had cracked open the snacks and were scoffing seeds, a few had even begun swigging Baijiu.

Standing room only, good luck finding a place to sit down here!

Within a minute, all of the floorspace had been taken by migrants sitting on sacks. What of, I hadn’t a clue. Maybe, rice, flour, random fluff, who knows. They were all brightly coloured but old, clearly faded sacks, they'd obviously been well used.

I was absolutely shattered, my eyes were heavy and my legs ached. I'd spent the whole day running around Beijing being a tourist, thinking to myself, "I can sleep on the train". There was nowhere to sit and I had nothing to lean on.

So I just stood.

For hours....

....and hours......

....and hours.

About four hours into our eleven hour journey, most of the migrant workers were asleep, safe and snug on their faded florescent plastic sacks. The fatigue had mutilated my sense of balance. I couldn’t stop wobbling all over the place. Convinced I would soon fall over, crushing a few migrant workers, I decided to attempt a trip to the toilet.

I crept quietly and carefully, placing my feet precisely between the little gaps between the sacks. I was only about 3 meters from the toilet but it took about 5 minutes of careful manoeuvring to get there. I mustered up all of my remaining strength to open the door just enough to be able to squeeze in.

How do I get to the toilet!?

To my astonishment, the cubicle was clean! Obviously no one had though the arduous task of getting to the toilet was possible and were simply holding it in. I was a pioneer, and for my exploration, I was awarded a great new land, with boundless space, "clean" running water and no pesky Indians to kill.

I hung up my bag and lent on the wall and took a well deserved rest.

I stayed in my little haven for about an hour before I decided to be selfless and let others use the amenities. But for my little bit of R&R in the toilet of the hard seated class of a cheap Chinese train, I felt refreshed and re-invigorated.

The feeling however, didn’t last long, a few hours later, I was in hell. I now know why sleep deprivation is considered torture. Your legs hurt, your eyes become sore, you get a headache, you start sweating profusely despite being freezing cold. I even started to feel sick for the movement and began to imagine that just outside the window there was a doppelgänger of me when I was 17 on roller-skates racing with the train. He wasn't very good, he kept on crashing into objects along the railway line.

The hallucination kept me entertained for a while, but not as much as clockwatching in the last 2 hours.

I started counting numbers, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,..............,1009,1010,...................,7890, 7891,7892,7893,

ANYTHING to pass the time. I tired to see how accurate my seconds were compared to real seconds.

Zhengzhou's beautiful train station!

By the time the train arrived in Zhengzhou, I was jelly. I staggered with my bag to the taxi rank, and went home, balls to the cost. It was now 8am, I'd got on the train at 7pm the previous night, the train was late and was delayed on the way, 2 extra hours of hell for leaves on the line, probably.

I got home, changed my clothes and had a shower.

Work started at 10.

Gone in 3 Days: 9 Brilliant Tips to Help you Plan a Bargain Last Minute Holiday!

Have you ever thought to yourself “what am I doing here”? It happens to travellers all the time, especially the more impulsive ones.

“Why am I standing in the middle of a rubbish dump in a small village in rural China”, “How did I end up stranded on this desert island when I'm supposed to be at University” and “How on Earth did I come to be on this tiny boat during the middle of a typhoon” are three instances which come to mind. 

This is me on Lady Musgrave Island, off Queensland's discovery Coast. It looks Idyllic,. but high winds left me stranded when I should have been back at university. Five minutes after this photo was taken I was back to writing a 5000 word essay about the Indian space programme. 

But it's not just the impulsive traveler who suffers from these malicious thoughts, if anything, the 9-5 office worker is far more likely to succumb. So to help you 9-5ers out there, here's my guide on how to to live an impulsive travellers life, without quitting your cubicle!

Fact: You can plan a bargain holiday in 3 days!

Tip 1: Be Flexible

If you want to get a good deal, you have to be flexible. If you've got an inflexible job, you've got to be flexible in your destination! Some of the greatest delights in travel, come from discovering totally obscure destinations. Even if the cheapest flights for your date are to somewhere unpronounceable in Eastern Europe (as they often are), go! Eastern Europe can be a delightful place, cheap too!

The City of Tampere in Central Finland. You can often find bargain flights to places like this if you keep checking the websites of low fares airlines.

Tip 2: Be Decisive

If you see a great last minute deal advertised at your local travel agents or online, get it, don't um and arr about it, if you're free just buy it! If you don't you'll regret it because you might not see another one like it! I still wish I'd bought a 14 day all inclusive holiday in Tunisia for £199 but I got caught up in Mass Hysteria! So.....

Tip 3: Don't succumb to mass hysteria

I know the news looks scary, but they only report the stuff that goes wrong. Wouldn't it be great if the news was just a dispassionate list of everything that happened in the world today!

“At 8:15 this morning, bus number 423 arrived safely at it's destination in Nairobi Kenya. In Sao Paulo, a little girl dropped her ice cream on the floor but her brother gave her his. At 8:45am (GMT), Mr and Mrs Patel of Bangalore, India had dinner at a new Pizza restaurant near their house, after being interviewed, Mrs Patel was quoted as saying “My husband and I had a wonderful time”!. In Vladivostok......”

The crystal clear waters of Tunisia, nothing to worry about!

You get my point. Mass hysteria is usually not worth getting caught up in but, there are exceptions, so...

Tip 4: Don't be stupid

If you're insurer or the Foreign Office advises you don't visit a country, such as Somalia, Afghanistan or Pakistan, don't go! There's a difference between not getting caught up in mass hysteria and down right stupidity!

Tip 5: Don't book a hotel

If you're making a last minute trip, the chances are it's low season. Remember, hotels in tourist towns, especially along the Mediterranean coast are dead in Low season. Once you arrive, you'll have hoteliers begging you to stay with them! Often you can haggle with them and get some truly great deals. I used to book everything, but on my trip to Egypt, I met some travelers who had booked a suite at a 5 star hotel for 50p a night. I couldn't believe I'd been duped into booking online, a room in a hostel for a whole £1 per night!

Dahab, on Egypt's Red Sea coast during low season. Take your chances and show up on the day, the chances are you'll get an amazing deal!

Tip 6:

Get your travel money before you get to the Airport! A few years ago I went to the Czech Republic with a few friends. I planned ahead and bought my Czech Korunas but my friends didn't. At the airport as I answered natures call, my friends got ripped off at one of the change offices. To make matters worse, for some reason, the Czech barman just wouldn't accept their Euros!

The Czech people decided not to adopt the Euro, so you need Korunas if you want to buy stuff there!

Tip 7:

Get some annual insurance, like now! I'm never without annual insurance because it means I can go anywhere whenever I want! I call it my impulse insurance!

Tip 8:

Bring your luggage to work with you! If you've only got a weekend to get away, go straight to the airport when you clock off! You can sleep on the plane can't you? Doing this makes your trip seem so much longer and gives you the feeling of having an extra day. If your feeling really tough, get an early morning flight back and go straight back to work in your board shorts. I've done it before and will do it again!

Tip 9:

Enjoy yourself! Don't be one of those insufferable tourists who constantly moans about everything!

“Why haven't they got Ketchup”, “There's too much garlic in the pasta”, “they don't even know how to cook chips proper!”, “why don't they speak English?”, “its too hot”, “its too cold”, “there's all sand in my shoes”, “ooh it's a bit pricey innit?”.

The beautiful Costa Del Sol. Malaga (Pictured) is well stocked with ketchup!

When things go wrong, I always treat it as a new experience, or at least something to write about, and I seem to have a much better time than many of the wingers I know.

I hope my little guide helps you escape monotony for less and without the need to plan too far ahead!

As they say here in China, Zha Yo!

Serious Travel Article 15: 12 hours of Beijing Part 2

After seeing the police kick the shit out of a trader, just outside the forbidden city (click here to read about that). I plodded along towards the entrance of the forbidden city. Even surrounded by tourists, it's impossible not to be impressed by the immensity of the forbidden city, by its prison like red walls, its imposing towers and the sheer scale of everything.

The Forbidden City (Without all the tourists)

I decided not to go inside.

I know that sounds like a stupid decision but I stand by it. I told myself that I would not go in until I was together with my parents. So, one day I will return to Beijing with my parents and visit the forbidden city.

I returned to Tiananmen Square and wandered about. I found it deeply boring. Tiananmen Square is a huge expanse of concrete, surrounded by oversized governments buildings which overpower thier surroundings. They are clearly a show of power, they are a symbol carrying a message for the people of China.

"Don't fuck with us".

The Endless expanse of Concrete which is Tiananmen Square

After twenty minutes giggling at the absurdity of having soldiers in little glass boxes guarding the flag of the PRC, I decided to be on my way.

I had heard that the best place to go shopping in Beijing was Wang Fu Jing. I went and what I found was a labyrinth of underground shops which went of forever, I got hopelessly lost, wandering from sports shop to boutique. In the mall I began to swelter from the central heating. It was -10c outside and I was wearing 6 layers. It became unbearable.Unable to find the proper way out, I burst through an emergency fire escape to the freezing world outside, running away before any security guards could chase me down.

The pavement pounding had given me, what I like to call "museum legs". That awful feeling that you've been wandering aimlessly for too long and you yearn to sit down. I found a KFC and took a nap. I was in good company. Thanks to the Chinese Education system (16hrs a day at school + endless homework), the people of China have the amazing ability to nap almost anywhere, any time. (You can witness this at you local university library!). In fact, any KFC, Dicos or McDonald’s in China will almost certainly contain people with their heads flat on the table, out for the count. I also had a bit to eat (a bowl of noodles I'd bought for 3rmb outside the KFC restaurant) this too is common in China.

Any KFC in China, the perfect place for a nap!

It was only 1pm, my train wasn't leaving until 7. I was at a loss for what to do, so just as I always do I such a situation, I got on the first bus I saw. It was a big blue double decker bus, I sat at the top and snapped photos. I like riding random city buses with no idea where I'm going, I've always thought it's the best way to get inside a city, and get away from the tourist show.

After about 40 minutes of looking out the window, the bus came to a stop. I was evidently the last person on the bus and the bus driver began to yell at me. I quickly alighted and bravely run away, only to find myself in the middle of a bus depot. I jumped over the fence to avoid any more hassle when I discovered I was in the middle of the Beijing Olympic park. The Olympic park looked empty and desolate in the dimming winter sun. Like Tiananmen Square and much of China, it severely lacked greenery. While the Birds Nest Stadium and Water Cube didn’t look neglected, they looked abandoned, like they had been forgotten in this remote part of Beijing, unused but still somehow loved in the back of every Chinese persons mind.

The Olympic Park in Beijing seems to be largely abandoned these days.

However, as long oversized and underused monuments, it wont be long before people start pissing on them.

"Never become a monument, otherwise people will piss on you" - Paul Theroux.

As I caught my train back to Zhengzhou, I looked out of the window at Beijing, the skyscrapers were all lit up making the Beijing skyline almost look beautiful. I thought to myself "I really must visit Beijing one of these days".

Link to Part 1

Link to Silvia's Beijing

10 Amazing Places You've Probably Diddn't Even Know Existed

I'm going to denigrate my blog with a list. Apparently people like lists. You can't trust people can you? People voted for Hitler, People like Coldplay! Anyway, enough plagiarized sarcasm, here is a list of ten places that you probably never knew existed and I hope you never go to (so as not to spoil it for me).

1. Palau

The Rock Islands of Palau

I'm often asked where do you most want to go, my usual reply is Palau. Often the respose is a blank face and a the awkward question......where was that again? It's an island chain that you could find on a map by drawing a line north from New Guinea and a line east from the Philippines. "Oh", is the usual reply. "Which country is that in?". "Palau is in Palau" I say abruptly. The conversation tends to end there.

Why you shouldn’t go there: It's so out of the way that getting there is exceedingly expensive!

2: Jamestown, St Helena.

The Capital of St Helena, Jamestown

 Somewhere in the south Atlantic, between Africa and the Americas, is a little island named St Helena. It's largest settlement Jamestown is a peculiar little slice (more like a very long strip) of quaint Middle England.

Why you shouldn't go there: It's almost impossible to get there!

3: Tristan Da Cunha

The Island of Tristan da Cunha seen from above

Another British dependency in the South Atlantic. Tristan da Cunha is a great big volcano which, for some reason, a few hundred people live upon. I say for some reason, I'd love to live there, but I'm not allowed. Because its such a great place to live, they don't allow outsiders to emigrate there!

Why you shouldn't go there: The people there have such a great life, do you really want to ruin it for them? 

4: Balls Pyramid

Balls Pyramid, Australia

Balls Pyramid is a 561m high rock in the middle of the sea. As a reference, the Empire State Building is just over 300m. If you want to see it, book a trip to Lord Howe Island.

Why you shouldn't go there: How would you get off the boat?

5: St Kilda Island

The Abandoned Island of St Kilda, a remote outpost of the British Isles

Far from the esplanade of St Kilda in Melbourne. The far more windswept original lurks in the North Atlantic, far away from the Scottish coast. It's inhabitants were all evacuated to the mainland due to a storm decades ago and never returned.

Why you shouldn’t go there: It's cold and windy.

6: Kerguelen

Kerguelen, French Southern and Antarctic Territories

If you went south from the Maldives for many thousands of miles, you would come to a funny little archipelago named Kerguelen. A cold, foreboding landscape full of mountains and moors, it really is France's answer to the Falklands.

Why you shoulden't go there: It's freezing and almost impossible to get there. To make matters worse, the only people there are French! 

7: Lhuntse

Lhuntse, Bhutan

In fact, a lot of people haven't even heard of Bhutan. A magical little kingdom in between India and China. I hope India doesn't gobble up Bhutan like it did Sikkim and I hope Bhutan doesn't get ruined by globalisation and "progress" like most of the world has. Long live Gross National Happiness!!!

Why you shouldn't go there: Bhutan will only let you in if they want you. Forget being a tourist in Bhutan. 

8: Lake Baikal

Lake Baikal, Russia

Lake Baikal is the worlds deepest lake containing 1/5 of all the planet's fresh water. 

Why you shouldn't go there: It's bloody freezing! 

9: Kimbe Bay

Kimbe Bay, New Britain, Papua New Guinea

Papua New Guinea has spectacular natural beauty, but due to its reputation for violence and scant regard to health and safety, it's seldom visited.

Why you shouldn't go there: Papua New Guinea is one of the worlds most dangerous countries. Although, actually, most of PNG is fine. It's just places like Port Moresby which give the rest of the country a bad reputation.  

10: Gilan

The Rainforests of Gilan Province, Iran

Yep, this is a rainforest in Iran! Amazing huh?

Why you shouldn’t go there: Iran is run by nutcases.Which isn't totally true either. In fact, I would feel safe visiting Iran.

There you go, these are 10 amazing places that I bet you didn’t know existed. If you did, well done, have you been to any of these places? Have you got a few more to add? Please leave a comment!

Isn't Abroad Awful?

Many British people, will come up and say to me, "Isn't Abroad just Awful?"

I've considered this question, and although it's meant to be rhetorical, I've answered it anyway.

A map of the world according to abroadness. Clearly, Britain is not abroad, all sane people know this to be fact but surprisingly, according to abroadness studies at Sheffield University, neither are Mali and Western Sahara in North Africa as well as Uruguay and Suriname in South America. As you can see, countries such as Madagascar, Russia and Mexico are only a little abroad while Saudi Arabia and Canada are very abroad. China, Libya and Turkey appear to be somewhere in the middle.   

My thoughtfully considered answer is the following:

No.

That is all.

Culture Shock of the day: Molested in the Urinals of China

It was late at night or early in the morning in a bar in Zhengzhou China. I was having a drink with some of Zhengzhou's cool foreign crowd. I slipped away quietly, to check out what was going on in the bathroom.

Clubs in China try all sorts of gimmicks to make Urinals more fun!

As I went in I noticed an attendant standing towel in hand next to the sink. I thought nothing of it and proceeded to the urinals. As a approched the cleanest looking urinal, I checked around for other people, I hate the idea of someone else watching me piss. Normally I would go into a cubical but that night they were all piled high with shit. I relaxed, thought of waterfalls and began to flow.

Out the corner of my eye, I noticed the attendant had moved, but I diddn't know where to. I began to panic, like a snake or a mosquito, it's far more dangerous when you cant see it.

All of a sudden, a wet flannel was wiped all over my face with an over zealous toilet attendant pressing himself against me, piss still flowing.

I quickly zipped myself up before shoving him away and telling him in English to "Fuck off".

Later he did the same to a Chinese man, with the same reaction.

I thought to myself the next day, could wiping the faces of men while in mid flow, really be someone’s job?

Welcome to China!