10 Amazing Places You've Probably Diddn't Even Know Existed

I'm going to denigrate my blog with a list. Apparently people like lists. You can't trust people can you? People voted for Hitler, People like Coldplay! Anyway, enough plagiarized sarcasm, here is a list of ten places that you probably never knew existed and I hope you never go to (so as not to spoil it for me).

1. Palau

The Rock Islands of Palau

I'm often asked where do you most want to go, my usual reply is Palau. Often the respose is a blank face and a the awkward question......where was that again? It's an island chain that you could find on a map by drawing a line north from New Guinea and a line east from the Philippines. "Oh", is the usual reply. "Which country is that in?". "Palau is in Palau" I say abruptly. The conversation tends to end there.

Why you shouldn’t go there: It's so out of the way that getting there is exceedingly expensive!

2: Jamestown, St Helena.

The Capital of St Helena, Jamestown

 Somewhere in the south Atlantic, between Africa and the Americas, is a little island named St Helena. It's largest settlement Jamestown is a peculiar little slice (more like a very long strip) of quaint Middle England.

Why you shouldn't go there: It's almost impossible to get there!

3: Tristan Da Cunha

The Island of Tristan da Cunha seen from above

Another British dependency in the South Atlantic. Tristan da Cunha is a great big volcano which, for some reason, a few hundred people live upon. I say for some reason, I'd love to live there, but I'm not allowed. Because its such a great place to live, they don't allow outsiders to emigrate there!

Why you shouldn't go there: The people there have such a great life, do you really want to ruin it for them? 

4: Balls Pyramid

Balls Pyramid, Australia

Balls Pyramid is a 561m high rock in the middle of the sea. As a reference, the Empire State Building is just over 300m. If you want to see it, book a trip to Lord Howe Island.

Why you shouldn't go there: How would you get off the boat?

5: St Kilda Island

The Abandoned Island of St Kilda, a remote outpost of the British Isles

Far from the esplanade of St Kilda in Melbourne. The far more windswept original lurks in the North Atlantic, far away from the Scottish coast. It's inhabitants were all evacuated to the mainland due to a storm decades ago and never returned.

Why you shouldn’t go there: It's cold and windy.

6: Kerguelen

Kerguelen, French Southern and Antarctic Territories

If you went south from the Maldives for many thousands of miles, you would come to a funny little archipelago named Kerguelen. A cold, foreboding landscape full of mountains and moors, it really is France's answer to the Falklands.

Why you shoulden't go there: It's freezing and almost impossible to get there. To make matters worse, the only people there are French! 

7: Lhuntse

Lhuntse, Bhutan

In fact, a lot of people haven't even heard of Bhutan. A magical little kingdom in between India and China. I hope India doesn't gobble up Bhutan like it did Sikkim and I hope Bhutan doesn't get ruined by globalisation and "progress" like most of the world has. Long live Gross National Happiness!!!

Why you shouldn't go there: Bhutan will only let you in if they want you. Forget being a tourist in Bhutan. 

8: Lake Baikal

Lake Baikal, Russia

Lake Baikal is the worlds deepest lake containing 1/5 of all the planet's fresh water. 

Why you shouldn't go there: It's bloody freezing! 

9: Kimbe Bay

Kimbe Bay, New Britain, Papua New Guinea

Papua New Guinea has spectacular natural beauty, but due to its reputation for violence and scant regard to health and safety, it's seldom visited.

Why you shouldn't go there: Papua New Guinea is one of the worlds most dangerous countries. Although, actually, most of PNG is fine. It's just places like Port Moresby which give the rest of the country a bad reputation.  

10: Gilan

The Rainforests of Gilan Province, Iran

Yep, this is a rainforest in Iran! Amazing huh?

Why you shouldn’t go there: Iran is run by nutcases.Which isn't totally true either. In fact, I would feel safe visiting Iran.

There you go, these are 10 amazing places that I bet you didn’t know existed. If you did, well done, have you been to any of these places? Have you got a few more to add? Please leave a comment!

Isn't Abroad Awful?

Many British people, will come up and say to me, "Isn't Abroad just Awful?"

I've considered this question, and although it's meant to be rhetorical, I've answered it anyway.

A map of the world according to abroadness. Clearly, Britain is not abroad, all sane people know this to be fact but surprisingly, according to abroadness studies at Sheffield University, neither are Mali and Western Sahara in North Africa as well as Uruguay and Suriname in South America. As you can see, countries such as Madagascar, Russia and Mexico are only a little abroad while Saudi Arabia and Canada are very abroad. China, Libya and Turkey appear to be somewhere in the middle.   

My thoughtfully considered answer is the following:

No.

That is all.

Culture Shock of the day: Molested in the Urinals of China

It was late at night or early in the morning in a bar in Zhengzhou China. I was having a drink with some of Zhengzhou's cool foreign crowd. I slipped away quietly, to check out what was going on in the bathroom.

Clubs in China try all sorts of gimmicks to make Urinals more fun!

As I went in I noticed an attendant standing towel in hand next to the sink. I thought nothing of it and proceeded to the urinals. As a approched the cleanest looking urinal, I checked around for other people, I hate the idea of someone else watching me piss. Normally I would go into a cubical but that night they were all piled high with shit. I relaxed, thought of waterfalls and began to flow.

Out the corner of my eye, I noticed the attendant had moved, but I diddn't know where to. I began to panic, like a snake or a mosquito, it's far more dangerous when you cant see it.

All of a sudden, a wet flannel was wiped all over my face with an over zealous toilet attendant pressing himself against me, piss still flowing.

I quickly zipped myself up before shoving him away and telling him in English to "Fuck off".

Later he did the same to a Chinese man, with the same reaction.

I thought to myself the next day, could wiping the faces of men while in mid flow, really be someone’s job?

Welcome to China!

The Idiots of East Asia: Doing Drugs in China

I had been living in Zhengzhou for about two months and I was in dire need of native English communication. Anyone who has live in a foreign country will know how frustrating it can be, to have to speak either a foreign language or broken pigeon English in order to communicate. After a while, you just need to speak with another native speak for the sake of your own sanity!

A bar which is not the Zhengzhou Target Pub, but looks a lot like it.

After work, I went with a South African friend to a bar called "Target", the place where all the foreigners in Zhengzhou hangout. We arrived at around 10pm and were the only foreigners in the half filled pub. We ordered a couple of Tsingtaos and drank. We amused ourselves by looking at a website called "china love cupid" (I won't link to it as I really don’t want to degrade my blog) which is a site devoted to helping Chinese women find foreign husbands. After identifying about 10 of our predatory students. We found we were now surrounded with tables of other foreigners.

China love cupid, where most Chinese international visa marriages are spawned.

My South African friend went to talk to the landlord (in fluent Mandarin) so I glided on over to a table of around six American girls in their early twenties and two Hungarian travellers who looked about ten year older. I broke the ice with my amazing Hungarian Language skills (Skills which have been surprisingly useful).

"Egesheegedre", I said, meaning cheers.
"You speak Hungarian!?!?" the Hungarian man said in astonishment.
"Nem Bessilek Mud Yarool" - I replied, (no)
"oh".

After about an hour discussing life in China with my new Yi Guo Ren friends, one of the American girls pulled out a seemingly innocuous looking cigarette and lit up.

I'm sure you know what was in that cigarette.

As soon as the odour wafted through the noses of the Hungarians they were off like a shot.

"I just remembered, we have a meeting", one of them lied.

I would have gone too but for being too drunk and comfortable to move. So I decided to interview the American girls.

"Why did you come the Zhengzhou"?

"We came cos life's really easy here, we get to work, like, two days a week, then the rest of the time we get, like, drunk or stoned. Teaching is so easy, they dont even listen to what you say half them time! We couldn't live like this back in the states!"

"Do you have many Chinese friends?"

"Not really, we kinda just hangout with our click, Chinese people don't like drinking and partying and shit. We don't really like them".

"Is it okay to be smoking weed here?"

"Yeah, we do it all the time, they don't know what it is so they don't care, they just think it's like a funny flavour cigarette, hehe"

"Where do you get it from"

"I've got this really cool dealer, he's not like Chinese, he's like a Muslim or something, I'll introduce you to him".

Feeling like they were trying to suck me in to their world high school clicks, drugs and ignorance I changed the subject to funny videos they'd seen on youtube.

Smoking cannabis in a country like China that will kill you for it is a bloody stupid thing to do.

These were the sorts of idiots that get thrown into jail for 40 years in Thailand and Indonesia. You can find them every weekend in Zhengzhou's Target bar or JingYi Lu. Whether they even realize whether they've left the USA and now live in a country where drugs = a bullet in the back of the head is a question I cannot answer.

If you are a traveller, you are a guest in someone else’s country. Don't break their house rules, it's rude and stupid, not to mention dangerous.

Is the Liebster Award a Poison Apple?

A couple of months ago I was glowing with pride when a fellow blogger "nominated me" for the Liebster Award. I was glowing with pride!

"Finally, I've been recognised by all my (crying) f f f f f f friends wah wah wah"

I got straight to work, I answered my 11 questions, gave my 11 random facts, and asked 11 questions for 11 other bloggers.

How naive I was to accept the Liebster Award!

I should have realised that this whole Liebster Award thing was bollocks when I asked, "how do you win?". After publishing my "Award" post, complete with my 12 links to other bloggers, I was punished.

I had the outlandish idea that, oh, I'll get 11 new incoming links for this! Great for SEO!

No! No! No! No! No!

My search engine rank plummeted and now I'm getting less hits than I was getting 3 months ago! (My Generic Travel Blog has been growing amazingly quickly recently) All that work wasted!

So....

Today I will destory my Liebster Award and maybe google will forgive me!

I shall pray to the god of search Engines.

Google, please forgive me!

A defence of Beijing: Why Beijing isn't boring!

Recently I've been thinking a lot about Beijing, and I'll be honest, how boring it is. I wrote a serious travel article about it a few days ago. However, one of my students, wasn't impressed! Silvia, a native Beijing-er became quite hostile to my critique of her home town so I told her to write a defence.

So here it is, A defence of Beijing, By Silvia Jackson: 

"My Good Friend Sam told me Beijing is the most boring city in China. As a Beijing person I feel I have to clear my hometown's name. BEIJJING IS NOT BORING!! Maybe some places are but all you need is a good guide and the resolve to NEVER follow any travel agencies!

So, how can you make sure this trip does not become a useless, boring and ridiculous drama show?

OK, the first thing you should know is it's definitely not a good idea to go to Beijing in the peak travel seasons (holidays/spring festival) because the city will be jam packed with tourists! But any other season will be wonderful. Remember this! 

Beijing during the tourist season

The first place you SHOUDN'T go to is the Palace Museum（故宫. It's the most boring thing I've ever seen!! There are just some traditional Chinese Palaces, most of which are not as old as they say. The government always overhauls them, making those poor palaces lose all of their original charm and character .I mean if you ask some people who live near there, they will say,

“Oh, That chair is new, they just put it here yesterday! Oh, this table is pretty old it was here last year”. 

The Palace Museum in Beijing, China. A place to avoid!

But anyway, the palaces are beautiful, and they are a good place for the people who come to China for the first time. But once you've been there once, don't go again next time, it definitely wont be worth it.

Never Go To China Millennium Monument（中华世纪坛）It is not that famous, so you can just ignore it. Just in case, if someone asks you to go there, no matter what, DON'T GO !!

The China Millennium Monument, You do wonder sometimes don't you!

BeiHai Park or the Summer Palace, don't go to both, just choose one. They are almost the same. But they are both wonderful places to spend your time, If its not tourist season.

The Summer Palace in Beijing!

The Geological Museum of China. Every year for the last 8 years, upon my return to my hometown of Beijing, I go there, without fail! I don't know why but it is Fantastic!!!! Especially For Children!!!!!

The Geological Museum of China

Let's talk about shopping. WangFuJing is the best place to go. It has one of the biggest shopping centers in Asia, The biggest book store in China, the best roast duck in the whole world and a bunch of the best traditional food in China! After 6:00pm you can find traditional street snacks. With every single delicious snack from around China here. More than that, there are a loooooooooooooooot of brilliant restaurants, there are too many to mention so the easiest way to find them is follow the crowd. The restaurant with the most people is probably going to be the best. It's the truth!

Wang Fu Jing in Beijing. The best place to go shopping in China's Capital!

Just remember, stay away during the tourist season and stay away from the travel agencies. Then wherever you go to, everything will be fine. Beijing has much more fun than meets the eye, you just need some time to discover it all.

Walk around ,Slow down. Sit down and chat with some old people, drink a cup of tea, you will find out how brilliant it is.

Whether a city is boring or not cannot be judged by a few boring places, but by her History. You can feel the history through these places, but you can only know the history through peoples eyes.

So its not about where you should go, its about where you are standing." 

By Silvia Jackson of Beijing, China.

If you want to follow Silvia on Twitter, Click Here!

Serious Travel Article 14: 12 Hours of Beijing Part 1

It's been six months since I wrote a Serious Travel Article. I think it's time....

I awoke on the slow train from Zhengzhou in the centre of China to Beijing. The brand new bullet train could do this Journey in less than four hours but I liked the hard sleeper class on the slow trains. Twelve hours of looking out the window, snoozing and reading without a care in the world.

It was 6am and the train was just entering the outer suburbs of Beijing. There is nothing suburban about a suburb in China, nothing a westerner would equate to suburbia, pleasant tree line avenues, expansive houses side by side each with its own garden. This type of existence is difficult to find in China, only the most exclusive gated communities would offer such luxury. A Chinese suburb was comprised of factories, wholesale and second hand markets, industrial estates, crumbling communistic 7 story housing cuboids and brand new towering apartment blocks. Chinese suburbs are invariably grey and ugly.

The Beautiful Suburbs of Beijing

As the train attendants woke the passengers up there was time for one more feast of peanuts, watermelon seeds and instant noodles before we arrived at the West Beijing Terminus.

I had come to Beijing to visit the British Embassy (Paperwork stuff). I had twelve hours in China's capital before my train would whisk me away back to Zhengzhou. I regretted not having longer but I had work commitments in "The Big ZZ" as Zhengzhou is often called. I took the public bus (Beijing West still hadn’t been connected to the Metro, figures) to the embassy and was done by 9'o Clock.

Beijing's West Railway Station. It's 6am and it's cold.

The sky was bright blue and the air was fresh, somewhat of a rarity in Beijing so I'd heard, I felt lucky to be able to see so far into the distance and admire the fantastic modern architecture which was all around me. After about an hour wandering aimlessly, poking my nose in where it wasn't wanted, I did what all good travellers in Beijing did, and got the Metro to Tienanmen Square.

As I queued with the hordes of commuters I could see that everybody had to go through some sort of airport style security to get into the Metro station. I also noticed that the crowd was so large, half of the passengers were simple going around the security to get to their train quicker, the guards did nothing to stop them. I followed the crowed and dodged security, and even as a suspicious foreigner, nobody stopped me.

Some of the Brilliant Architecture you can see in Beijing, note the unusual colour of the sky.

As came up the stairs from Tienanmen East station, I immediately saw the Iconic picture of my old buddy Chairman Mao hanging in its frame on its wall outside the old government offices. More interesting than this was the 4 lane duel carriageway which separated Tienanmen Square from the famous compound which hosts the forbidden city, which I don't know the name of. China must be one of the few nations in the world which ploughs a highway through one of its most treasured and celebrated national monuments. To cross this highway you had to go through an underpass. Walking down the stairs you had two options, to the left was the forbidden city, to the right, Tienanmen Square proper with all the self important, aggrandized government buildings.

The four lane highway which cuts right through the middle of Tienanmen Square

I decided to head into the forbidden city. As I drew closer to the entrance, I began noticing the multitude of foreign faces. I'd never seen so many foreigners in one place in China before. Usually, seeing a foreigner in China is an occasion. It happens perhaps once every two or three months and when it happens you make the most of it. You go through the usual bollocks, where are you from, what brings you to China blah blah blah. I mock the idea of speaking to foreigners just because they are foreigners but every now and then, its nice to converse with a compatriot (and by that, I do mean someone who isn't Chinese).


I shuffled under the portrait of Chairman Mao with all the other gawking tourists when I saw a commotion. Three police officers were chasing a young Chinese man. The young man was quick on his feet but a plucky 4th policeman was hidden behind a tree, clotheslining the young man. The man fell to the ground and the four policemen began pounding the man. As they dragged him away I could see the man's unconscious face covered in blood while dozens of tourists shrieked in horror.

At the scene of the incident, just outside the forbidden city, Beijing

End of Part 1.......

I've been Nominated for the Leibster Blog Award

As I woke up this morning, being the geek I am, I slopped open (yes I'll use the verb slopped to describe opening my computer if I want to!) my laptop, activated my VPN (being in China) and lo and behold, I've got an award nomination! I would like to thank Kae Lani Kennedy AKA A Travel Broad  for my nomination. You should check her website out, it's a lot better than mine!

After doing a little research into what exactly the Liebster blog award is, I've discovered it comes from a blogger in Germany, the idea being to promote bloggers who you think deserve recognition while it also gives you an opportunity to ask 11 questions to your 11 favourite bloggers.

So, as an avid fan of German law and order, I'll now abide by zie rulez unt regulationz ov zie Liebster Avarwd!

Here goes, 11 random facts about me:

1. My favourite food is cheesy pesto mash wrapped in a corn tortilla. This is one of the reasons I'm fat. 
2. I came to China over a year ago, and I still haven’t figured out why.
3. I like cats.
4. Bouncy dogs are my lifelong enemies.
5. I'm never happier than when I'm looking at a map, they have a hypnotic quality which can captivate me for many hours. 
6. My favourite writer is Paul Theroux.
7. I take my philosophical advice from Bubbles, a character from a Canadian TV show named Trailer Park Boys. "Plato was the smartest cocksucker who ever lived".
8. I hate Aeroplanes, I'd much rather take a sleeper train and look out the window scribbling notes and reading when I get bored. 
9. I pretend to be very arrogant when writing, but I just do it for entertainment. 
10. I hate being photographed.
11. Karl Pilkington is my favourite "Travel Journalist".

Mike Smith as Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys

 Now to answer Kae Lani Kennedy's 11 questions for me.

1.) What inspired you to start traveling?

The fear of having regrets when I die, of not living a life of note or interest.

2.) What is your favourite destination so far and why?

If I have to choose one it would be Moreton Island in Queensland Australia. Its a great big sand island just off the coast from Brisbane, its not the biggest of the great Australian sand islands but that's not the point. It's close to civilisation, it lacks the sand mining operation of North Stradbroke Island and the Dingoes of Fraser Island. It's deviod of mosquitoes which is a huge plus! Besides, it's an island made of sand in a clean tropical paradise, what more do you want in life?

3.) Where you’ve had your favorite meal?

My favourite meal is a breakfast of Eggs Florentine from a little restaurant named Greedies in Isleworth, London. The Hollandaise Sauce is to die for. I'd recommend you have it with a side of wedges because they're great too!
 
4.) What’s your favourite travel memory.

I'm not sure if I have a favourite, perhaps sleeping under the stars on Lady Musgrave Island. It sounds idyllic but there was a gale blowing which froze me half to death, after 3 or 4 hours I retreated to my tent. I wish I could romanticize travel the way many writers do, but my best memories are always tangled up with memories of struggle,annoyances and inconveniences. Even Tangalooma on Moreton Island was little more than a pimped up Butlins. 

5.) Share with us your favorite photo and a little bit of detail about the photo.

This is my Favourite travel photo

This is me on lady Musgrave Island, I don't know why its my favourite, it just is.


6.) What are some words you live by (quotes, your motto, a mantra)?


"If you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean", Pat Nolan.

"What am I doing here?" - Arthur Rimbaud, Bruce Chatwin among others.

"If you ask for nothing, you will receive it in abundance", Julee Barnett. 

7.) Why did you start a travel blog?

I used to co edit the Travel Section of newspaper called The Waterfront with a fantastic travel writer named Andy Belcher (Far more talented than I). For the April fools day edition I wrote an "interview" with Osama Bin Laden (Killed 3 weeks after I wrote the article). You can read it here. Anyhow, the Paper Editor said it was too controversial, and publishing it could ruin his career but I was so proud of it I decided to get a blog, build a following and get people to look at my amazing article! I also liked the idea of being an uncensored travel writer, able to say whatever the hell I want, without an editor saying (blah blah blah blah copyright blah blah islamists blah blah).

8.) Do you have a favorite place in the airport to hang out before a flight?

The computer shop. Why? To promote my blog of course!

9.) When you fly, what do you like to do to keep you occupied?

I look out the window (much to the annoyance of the Cabin Crew who keep on telling me to shut my window blind) and read books.

10.) What’s the strangest thing a local has every told you about their city?

"Stay away from ze Uyghurs! Zey'll kill you if you look at zem" - Some Han Chinese Idiot, Wuhan. 

11.) When it comes to travel blogging, what do you find is your biggest obstacle?

Travelling. And the great firewall of China. 

So, here's 11 bloggers I think are good enough for a Leibster Blog Award:

1: George of George on the Go
2: Kate of Compendium of Crazy
3:Anthony of You Bloody Tourist
4:Chocolate of Impossible Saints
5:Many Anne of A totally impractical guide to living in Shanghai
6:Matthew of Tw1tter Tunez
7:Monica of The Travel Hack
8:Ted of Travelling Ted
9:Debbie of Debbie Travels
10:Rachelle of Flatbacker
11: The Denning Family of Discover, Share, Inspire

And here's 11 questions for you:

1: What's one country you would never go to?
2: What's you're favourite flavour of Angel Delight?
3: What was the last country you visited/if your're abroad, where are you now?
4: What would you have done if you were born there?
5: Marco Polo described the Turkomen people as "dull of intellect", do you agree?
6: What would you have done if you had lived in Nazi Occupied France?
7: Do you feel confident enough to visit North Korea?
8: If you were having dinner with Elizabeth II along with a gaggle of foreign dignitaries, and farted. A silent but deadly type. Would you admit to it?
9: Have you ever heard of a city named Zhengzhou?
10:What's your greatest fear?
11:Would you kill somebody if you had to?

These are the rules for the nominated bloggers:

• Link back to the blogger that nominated you
• Write 11 random facts about yourself
• Answer 11 questions from the blogger that nominated you
• Nominate 11 other bloggers
• Ask them 11 new questions

I feel I should write something

I feel I should write something. Yesterday I spent 4 hours writing a blog post named China, the Graveyard of Broken Dreams. A true story about those who voyage to China as a solution to the mid life crisis they may be having at home.

I can't publish it, two of the people I wrote about sometimes read this blog. If they knew I was scribbling notes and writing articles about their most intimate secrets, they would quite rightly want to hit me. They certainly wouldn't want to talk to me again. Perhaps I'll publish it next year when I've gone, when they've gone or when time has eroded our friendship. 

This is a photo of me in Beijing, a most boring city.

I received quite a lot of flack from people for my blog post Why Travel Writers Shouldn’t Travel. I was reading the Pillars of Hercules by Paul Theroux. In his book, Theroux is travelling through Israel to Nazareth to meet a Christian Arab Israeli writer who I forget the name of. The Arab writer explains to Theroux that constant travel has left him unable to write, that he need to stay put for a while to collect his thoughts and put pen to paper. Theroux agrees, adding that "Monotony is the friend of the writer". My petty ego now feels vindicated. I'm in good company.

That is all.

Well, not quite. If you read this, may I ask you why? I feel flattered you got this far!

Are Chinese People Completely Mad?

After the coldest winter in China for 30 years coupled with a smogapocalypse the likes of which the world has never before seen, the people of Zhengzhou have been blessed with a freak early March heatwave. It was snowing only two weeks ago but as soon as the mercury hit 20c I ditched the thermals, coat, jacket, jumper, gloves, hat and mask with a sigh of relief. I could once again start wearing my trademark black t-shirt (being a fatty) and jeans.The rising temperatures showed no signs of abating soaring to the dizzying heights of 30c yesterday.

A bus crash on a hot day in Zhengzhou. Notice the coats and jackets!

But if I took a photograph of the people in the street  you'd think it was a bright, sunny, mid-winters day. Despite the mid boggling March temperatures,the masses insist on wrapping up. Cycling around the city in my t-shirt and boardies (It was bloody hot yesterday) I saw people wearing woolie hats, gloves, thick fur coats and even one or two in balaclavas.

February in Zhengzhou. Snow covers the old campus of the Henan Agricultural University. Where I live. 

I asked a young boy with a jumper and coat on whether he was hot.
"No"
I could see the sweat on his forehead.
"Really", I said looking at him dubiously,
"Ja de" (Not really)
"Wo ri si le" (I'm so hot I could die!!!)

(I switched to English as my Chinese plainly sucks, as my student Silvia who is overseeing this blogpost has kindly pointed out)

"Why don't you take your coat off"? It seemed like a legitimate question.
"No", he said unceremoniously, before walking off.

Asking someone who spoke better English, Why she was wearing a leather jacket, jumper and gloves in 30 degree heat, she said "Because it's March, it's too early to wear a summer dress, although I want to, everyone will think I'm mad, I best follow suit".

Did your school teacher ever ask you whether you would "jump off a cliff if....blah blah blah"? I bet they did. I reckon they might just say yes in the middle kingdom! 

Here's a picture just for fun. Jacket Potatoes with baked beans and cheese cooked by me in China. A very difficult task. But not as difficult as eating them with chopsticks!

The Story of Midori: Japan's Flower

This is the beginning of a Great Trilogy of Novels written by a good friend of mine, James George Constantine Crofts. However, being an eccentric author, Only answers to the name Chocolate. I hope you enjoy the story of Midori as much as I have.....

Author of The Story of Midori: James George Constantine Crofts

Here begins the story of Midori: Japan's Flower.

Chapter Zero.

Once upon a time in the land of Japan, lived a family by the name of Kaiho. The Father, Azuma and the Mother, Sugihara had a little boy called Midori. Midori was an interesting child as he was born with a tree growing out of his neck. Midori's grandfather, Taro said that this was for good luck – but this was not the case. At the age of four, Midori started to exhibit strange personality traits. Much like a puppy, Midori started to experiment with his toys. Much to Azuma and Sugihara's dismay, this persisted for over a year. At five years old, Midori didn't leave for school like the other children – but began his journey as a tree in the garden. Midori was very, very angry at this. He wondered why he should waste his days alone in the wilderness, with nothing other than the other trees to converse with, though they were not much good at this as there were no other tree children in Japan. Every evening, Midori would return from the forests of Japan and delve straight into the depths of despair. He wondered why he was different to every other child. Why couldn't he go to school, he would ask his parents to which he received nothing but a silent response. Around the age of six, Midori's mother, Sugihara died in childbirth. Though this was such an unfortunate event, Azuma was still blessed with a new child, a beautiful baby girl called Tami. As Tami grew up, Midori was unable to fulfil a successful role as a brother, due to his time outside and so decided to embark upon an epic adventure...

Having read all about the Barbarians in the tribe on the south east coast of Japan in, Hiroshima. About how Witch Doctors were able to cure people of their deformities. Midori decided then one afternoon to leave Tami and Azuma behind and set out for the forests of Hiroshima.

If you would like to read more about Midori's adventures, feel free to leave a comment! 

Alternative Airlines: The Best Flight Comparison and Booking Site in the World

Recently, while browsing the internet, I came across and ad for airline ticket booking website named Alternative Airlines, as I was in the market for a plane ticket, I thought, why not? I had already scoured cheapoair, cheapflights, kayak, travelocity, expedia, skyscanner and many other for their best deals, but they all seemed too expensive. £800 for a Zhengzhou to Heathrow return. As it turned out, Alternative Airlines weren’t a whole lot better, I bought my ticket for £749.

The first thing that struck me about Alternative Airlines, was the kind of, well, rubbish website. Don't get me wrong, it was informative and functional, you could say it offers more functions than its competitors, but, it still looks rubbish.

I'ts Grim Up North. The Henan Agricultural University, in the North of Zhengzhou, China. My Current Residence.

This worried me. Before I booked, I looked around for reviews, I needed to make sure they were legit, sure they had an IATA logo, but I didn’t even know what the IATA was. Besides, anyone with a brain could cut and paste a bit of HTML code. But, to my surprise, I found that they were indeed a real travel agency and I took the plunge (well, it was hardly a plunge).

I was to travel on a China Southern Airlines and KLM code-share, the cheapest way of travelling between Zhengzhou and Heathrow, through the hub of nightmares, Beijing Capital Airport.

My flight to the UK went swimmingly, except for the hot dog of death on China Southern (A Hot Dog of death which I've now come to expect). It was only 3 days before my return to China before my troubles began.

My China Southern Airlines Plane. Notice the smog in the background, Yuck!

Halfway through watching Neighbours on 5* I got a call from a man from Alternative Airlines, he rang bearing good news!

"I'm sorry to say that China Southern Airlines have decided to reschedule one of your flights"

"Oh!", I replied,

"Your 19:45 from Beijing to Zhengzhou will now be leaving at 13:25", laughed the man.

"Ooook", I said, not really understanding the implications.

"Well this means that you're going to arrive in Beijing 3 hours late for your connection", he explained simplisticly for me.

"Ah."

The Penny Dropped.

I was furious, how can an airline just change their schedule like this? They've sold me a ticket!!! They have to keep to their Schedule now! Aaaaaaaaah!

(I'm sorry for the rushed and, lets face it, terrible quality of writing in this article. I wrote this in a hurry!)

I rang China Southern Airlines and demanded an explanation, they told me that the small print allowed them to do this and that if I missed my connection that was down to my own stupidity.  No amount of arguing could change this.

The next day, the man from Alternative Airlines rang me to say,

"Everything is sorted, I've booked you on an earlier flight from Amsterdam, you'll now get to Zhengzhou 3 hours earlier than you would have, you just have less time waiting. I'll email you your new ticket within the hour".

Even if they have a rubbish website, Alternative Airlines saved my journey from the jaws of the Evil China Southern Airlines!

I hate to degrade my blog by writing a post to reminiscent of an advert, but, fair play to Alternative Airlines, they stood up to China Southern Airlines (the world's worst airline) for me and saved me money when most other Travel Agencies wouldn’t have even bothered to tell me.

So credit where credit's due, if you want to check out Alternative Airlines to book your plane tickets, here's a link.

Video of the Day: Funniest "Snowboarding" Video I've Ever Seen, Seriously!

Occasionally, you stumble upon a video on you tube which is so hysterically funny, that you have to watch it again and again. Once in a blue moon, the more you watch it the funnier it becomes. I must share this video!

Beautiful Broadstairs, scene of the funniest snowboarding video ever made (in my opinion), It looks rather different in the summer!

Shot in Broadstairs, Kent, the video depicts a local, rather skilfully failing to toboggan down a hill on a boogie board. This video has under 50 hits currently, lets try and help it out a little, please share it!  

I hope you enjoyed it as much as me!

The Terror of Squat Toilets

For those of us of a western upbringing, travel has a number of impracticalities. There's the vaccinations, the hellish seasickness (for us lucky few), the exotic food with a side of micro-organisms, the jet lag and communication problems with friendly border officials in darkened rooms ("Are you a Jew?", said the Egyptian security guard. "Urm, er, um, n,nnn,nn, no". "Oh, OK then"). But for me, the most inconvenient of inconveniences which may inconvenience a traveller is the lack of convenient conveniences.

A typical Chinese Squat toilet. You don't want to lose your balance in there!

I'm talking of course about toilets found in the orient which  are more often than not of the squat pot variety. Now I know a lot of you out there are rolling your eyes,

"It's not that bad", ect, ect. I'll have you know it is that bloody bad! You have to negotiate balance, a freezing arse, not wanting to touch anything, and making sure you don't poo on your own trousers. Avoiding squat toilets became a way of life for me whilst living in China, and for 10 months I was successful.

Avoid high fibre food if you need to avoid passing stool.

I was tactical, mapping my western toilet options around Zhengzhou. Restricting my intake of fibre to constipate myself while travelling cross country and even buying a portable sit down toilet seat.

A few times my super anti squat skills almost failed, and I had to improvise....

A Broken Chair padded with a bed sheet. My Invention to cope with the squat toilets of Lanzhou.

But after 10 months, the squat pot caught up with me, and you know what. It's not that bad.

Video of the Day: Joyce Conner's Advice for a Christmas for One!

As many travellers know, Christmas can be a pretty lonely time of year. Last year I was unfortunate enough to spend Christmas by myself. Here's a video for all those RTW travellers who'll be by themselves for Christmas this year.

Travelling can be a very lonely business.

It was made by my good friend Joyce Conner, who, unfortunately tried to kill herself late last year. She's recovering well but she wants nothing more than to off herself, lets wish her the best of luck!

Travel Tip of the Day: How to cross the road in Chaotic Countries

One of the aspects of Chinese life which stuck me as terrifying not too long ago was crossing the road. Don't get me wrong, China is undoubtedly one of the most over organized countries in the world. It's level of meaningless  bureaucracy is beyond the wildest dreams of most Whitehall bureaucrats, but its roads reflect a rather different reality.

The volume of traffic is vast, and often, unpenetrable. A single pedestrian will often find himself standing bravely against a stampede of trucks, buses, cars, Mian Bao Ches (Bread Car (Van in English)) and E-Bikes if hes not too careful.

The traffic is also unpredictable with drivers always happy to drive on the wrong side of the road, on the pavement, drunk, too fast, without looking were they are going, or, more often than not, all of the above.

So, to help you, here is my handy guide to Crossing the road in countries of "organized chaos", I call it,

Sammy's Generic Crossing the Road in Dangerous Countries like China and India (not that I've ever been to India) Guide:

Tip Number 1:
   
Only Cross the road if necessary. Pretty obvious right? Not here in China! You would be amazed at how many people die crossing the road under a pedestrian bridge or tunnel! Idiots!

China has invested millions in cool looking footbridges for pedestrians, but you'll be amazed at how many people still get splatted because they cant be bothered to climb up the steps!

Tip Number 2:

Safety in Numbers! You'll be amazed at how many cars will screech to a halt if they see a crowd of 15 or twenty people blindly step out in front of them! This is good as a last resort, and usually it takes about 10 or 15 minutes to gather enough people to invade the road by force.

Chinese Ducks often use the safety in numbers technique to safely cross the road!

Tip Number 3: 

Always use human shields. While the use of human shields may be banned as a war crime, in times of peace, it can legitimately be used as a way to cross the road. Just make sure there are always other people between you and oncoming traffic. When you get to the middle of the road, simply swap positions and use them again. Better them than you, right?

Note, keep a look out for cars and trucks on the wrong side of the road, they can seriously hinder the "human shield" technique, which could make you late for your court date in The Hague.

Militant Islamists have also been know to use human shields to cross the road. A wise decision!

Tip Number 4:

Look out for E-Bikes! These guys are nuts! They can't drive, they don't look where they're going and they blame you when they crash into you!

E Bikes are the most dangerous vehicles in China

Tip Number 5:

Don't video yourself like this idiot did (Note: I've done this many times, it really shocks friends and family back home!)

Congratulations, you're now ready to put your life on the line trying to cross the road in some exotic and disorganized nation. Good luck!!

Finding a Job Placement Teaching English in China: Part 3

I awoke in a lovely little hotel room in China, and happily snaked on the crisps and bananas I'd bought in the local supermarket the night before. It was my first morning in China and I was bursting with excitement. The Sun was shining and my body, unused to the Chinese clocks had woken me up at 6:30am. Great! I thought to myself, 3 hours to explore before Carol (If you don't know who she is please read part 2) would come to wake me up and take me to NDI, my new place of work.

Walking around Zhengzhou, I got the impression that this was a great dirty bustling metropolis, towerblocks as far as the eye could see (which evidently wasn't very far). The streets where wide with glass colossuses tempting passers by into their expensive looking luxury stores. Next to the modern apartment buildings and shopping malls where excessively large building sites, the kind of which are unheard of in Europe or the "Developed" world. Next to which were the old, Maoist 7 storey blocks which still dominate China, slowly waiting to be demolished. After an hour of walking I bought some tasty looking street food through gestures. A big pot of fried noodles, as it turned out, far too much for me, I brought the leftovers back to my hotel with me.

The Seemingly Endless Tower Blocks of Zhengzhou

When Carol came to find me at my hotel, out of politeness, I offered her a banana.

"How did you get zose!" She Barked,
"I bought them", (Well I'm not going to steal them am I?) I thought to myself.
"But you a foreigner!" She Shouted, expecting some sort of apology from me.
"Sorry, I am not allowed bananas?"
"If you wanted food you should have asked me!"
"Why?", I couldn’t wait for her explanation.
"You a foreigner, you can get lost! You don't speak Chinese, Chinese people like trick foreigners, you are stupid!", she frantically explained.
"Oh dear, am I? What should I do then?", I said whilst rolling my eyes.
"You call me, you let me handle it! Where did you get zose bananas?"

I thought to myself, I managed to get from London to Zhengzhou and find you with no problems, in the process running the gauntlet across this sprawling chaotic city, and now I'm a foreign idiot too stupid to buy stuff, how did that happen?

Very Weird Looking Manikins in the Kid's Clothing Section of Zhengzhou, Erqi, Walmart. The Supermarket in which I bought the fateful Bananas.

"The Supermarket of Course!" I hastily replied.
"How you find supermarket!!?!?!?" She screamed in a fit of utter confusion.
Good Grief I thought to myself, does she seriously think that all foreigners are morons? "There's a big sign saying Walmart", It dosen't take a bloody rocket scientist does it?
"But you a foreigner!", She kindly reminded me.
"Yep", I sighed, growing weary of the conversation.

She continued to lecture me in her broken English on how foreigners are too stupid to operate in China, but being to exhausted to argue with her insulting ignorance, I drifted off into a daydream.

After Carol had tired of insulting me, she guided me to what would be my place of work for the next year, the New Dynamic Institute (or NDI for short), a very expensive English language training school at the heart of Zhengzhou. As it turned out, NDI was on the third floor of Da Shanghai, a gigantic modern shopping centre at the centre of Zhengzhou which I had mistaken for a stadium due to its gigantic dome. As we made our way through the school, I was astonished at how empty the place was. I was then lead upstairs to the staffroom where I was introduced to three of the other teachers, all sitting vacantly, twiddling their thumbs. One of the teachers I recognized as Alice, the woman who interviewed me 4 months prior ("Sorry, the official we used to bribe has moved to New York so we have to do your visa the slow way").

The Centre of Zhengzhou, with the Mysterious Dome of Da Shanghai (The Grand Shanghai Shopping Mall) at the bottom of the picture.

I said "Hello, pleased to meet you" (What else would you say?)
She replied "Hello Sam, You wery hansume!" while undressing me with her eyes.

I found it a little unnerving to be checked out by a rather plump, over made up, middle aged Chinese woman so I started talking to the other two. Their anglicized names were Helen, a quiet young lady who mainly kept to herself, and Nikki, a rather loud and brash young woman with an incredibly wide face, so much so it made her look rather like a rugby ball. They both seemed nice enough, they told me about the school, the city, the job and themselves, all the while, a still gobsmacked Carol was retelling the incredible story of how a foreigner bought Bananas in Supermarket to a now equally surprised Alice!

Alice Inturrupted my conversation with Helen and Nikki by saying,
 "Oh Sam, you are wery clewer!"
"Am I?" I replied indifferently.
 "You buy food by yourself!?"
"Yep"
"But you are in China now!", she confided in me, (Is that supposed to make a difference?)
"Apparently", I sneered in a fawltyesque manner.
"So if you need sing to tell me and we let you to do what, ok?"
Pardon, I thought to myself, but I thought it best just to nod in agreement. "OK!"

After Alice wandered off to bother some other poor soul, I asked Helen and Nikki what on Earth just happened, they told me to get used to Alice and Carol, they were always like that.

Before going to China, make sure you're going to a nice city. Qingdao (Pictured) is a lot nicer than Zhengzhou!

So that's my story, finding a job teaching English in China is easy. Native English speakers are like gold dust out there, Don't pay an agency to go to China, EVER, they should be paying you! Get a TEFL certificate to double your salary. Find a way to pass the time while you're waiting for your visa and for the love of Mao, don't expect to have a normal human relationship with your coworkers. To them, you are a foreigner, not a person, a commodity to be used, too stupid to look after yourself.

It makes me wonder how in the world I managed to survive 22 years, travelling to 23 countries without a superior, arrogant, insulting, shamelessly racist idiot like Alice or Carol telling me how to buy bananas in a supermarket. Thank god the Chinese aren’t all like this, but there certainly seems to be a lot of them!

Finding a Placement Teaching English in China: My Experience with NDI (Part 2)

Part 2:

(Apologies for the delay) 

I was told by Alice, the "headteacher" at Zhengzhou's branch of the New Dynamic Institute (NDI) that somebody called Carol would meet me at the Airport, but just in case "something went wrong", I was given Carol's number. "What could go wrong", I naively thought to myself, while on my KLM from Amsterdam to Beijing, planes are usually pretty reliable and how hard can it be to get to the airport?

I realised almost immidiatley that I was still in European mode, expecting efficiency, expecting smooth sailing and counting on organisation when I should have been lowering my standards to meet the Chinese way. Now despite lowering my expectations, nothing could have prepared me for the chaos that was Beijing Capital Airport. During my 2 hour transfer, I was told to queue to leave the airport, then queue to get back in again, almost missing my flight in the process. The Experience made me sure that the baggage handlers in Beijing would lose my suitcase.

Beijing Capital Airport, The Hub of Nightmares

My cynicism was to be proven right at Zhengzhou airport when an attendant from China Southern Airlines guided me away from the luggage carousel half an hour after all the other passengers had left with their luggage in tow.

"Come me", She said,

 I followed knowing full well what she meant. She lead me into a funny little office where she asked me if I knew anyone in Zhengzhou. I gave her Carol's number and she rang it. The two spoke for five minuted before the attendant handed the phone to me. I was told by my new colleague that my luggage was in Beijing and I could collect it in a few days. Meanwhile, I should get the bus to Zhengzhou City Centre.

I had to navigate myself around Zhengzhou City to find my only contact in China

"I thought your were supposed to meet me at the airport"
"No", she unequivocally replied,
"But Alice told me that you were suppos.."
She interrupted me mid-sentence "Alice didn’t say that, you take bus",

I was starving, weary and in no mood for an argument.

"Which Bus?"
"Shuttle Bus, then 37 west until you get to Renmin Lu"
"Pardon?"

She repeated herself and I wrote her instructions in my notebook, so much for a nice easy airport pickup like the website had boasted.

The attendant helped my buy a ticket for the Zhengzhou Airport Shuttle Bus and somehow I navigated my way to the Renmin Lu stop of the number 37 bus with the help of some very broken Mandarin but I wasn't complaining, I enjoyed the adventure.

My Mandarin is Broken at best

Carol was waiting for me at the bus stop and I was escorted to my expensive little hotel (foreigners are thought of as rich in China). She then wandered off as quickly as she had appeared and I was once again by myself. Before I went to sleep, I popped down to the local supermarket to buy some bananas, water and crisps as the journey had left me needing sustenance.

That night I slept like a baby, dreaming of what my new life in China might bring.

End of part 2.

(I promise part 3 will come soon!) (And I'm pretty sure part 3 will be far more interesting, part 2 was rubbish)

Very Quick Thought of the Day

I don't have much time, as, I do need a poo (I'm nothing if not honest). But before I do, I need to share this with you! Its a tool for anyone who wants to make their own generic travel blog! It's really fun and easy to use

http://paivisanteri.blogspot.de/2008/08/generic-travel-blog.html

Check it out!

This is what a generic travel blog should look like, mine is obviously far too interesting.