Travel Tip of the Day: How to cross the road in Chaotic Countries

One of the aspects of Chinese life which stuck me as terrifying not too long ago was crossing the road. Don't get me wrong, China is undoubtedly one of the most over organized countries in the world. It's level of meaningless  bureaucracy is beyond the wildest dreams of most Whitehall bureaucrats, but its roads reflect a rather different reality.

The volume of traffic is vast, and often, unpenetrable. A single pedestrian will often find himself standing bravely against a stampede of trucks, buses, cars, Mian Bao Ches (Bread Car (Van in English)) and E-Bikes if hes not too careful.

The traffic is also unpredictable with drivers always happy to drive on the wrong side of the road, on the pavement, drunk, too fast, without looking were they are going, or, more often than not, all of the above.

So, to help you, here is my handy guide to Crossing the road in countries of "organized chaos", I call it,

Sammy's Generic Crossing the Road in Dangerous Countries like China and India (not that I've ever been to India) Guide:

Tip Number 1:
   
Only Cross the road if necessary. Pretty obvious right? Not here in China! You would be amazed at how many people die crossing the road under a pedestrian bridge or tunnel! Idiots!

China has invested millions in cool looking footbridges for pedestrians, but you'll be amazed at how many people still get splatted because they cant be bothered to climb up the steps!

Tip Number 2:

Safety in Numbers! You'll be amazed at how many cars will screech to a halt if they see a crowd of 15 or twenty people blindly step out in front of them! This is good as a last resort, and usually it takes about 10 or 15 minutes to gather enough people to invade the road by force.

Chinese Ducks often use the safety in numbers technique to safely cross the road!

Tip Number 3: 

Always use human shields. While the use of human shields may be banned as a war crime, in times of peace, it can legitimately be used as a way to cross the road. Just make sure there are always other people between you and oncoming traffic. When you get to the middle of the road, simply swap positions and use them again. Better them than you, right?

Note, keep a look out for cars and trucks on the wrong side of the road, they can seriously hinder the "human shield" technique, which could make you late for your court date in The Hague.

Militant Islamists have also been know to use human shields to cross the road. A wise decision!

Tip Number 4:

Look out for E-Bikes! These guys are nuts! They can't drive, they don't look where they're going and they blame you when they crash into you!

E Bikes are the most dangerous vehicles in China

Tip Number 5:

Don't video yourself like this idiot did (Note: I've done this many times, it really shocks friends and family back home!)

Congratulations, you're now ready to put your life on the line trying to cross the road in some exotic and disorganized nation. Good luck!!