When I met Ozzy Bin Laden

A few months ago, I interviewed none other than the now deceased, former top world terrorist, Osama (Ozzy to his amigos) Bin Laden. I spoke to him about his new travel book, “Land of a Thousand Smiles”, the pressures of celebrity, his recent weight problems, the struggle against “The West” and his recent coming out. But my editor at Swansea's “world famous” Waterfront Newspaper told me it was too controversial to publish, so it was pushed underground! Undeterred by Apple trying to sue me for telling the truth, here it is, the legendary interview that really did happen, when Sammy met Ozzy!

Q. Ozzy Bin Laden, thanks for agreeing to talk to World in Motion, that’s a lovely dress you’re wearing, where did you get it?

A. Thanks Sam, it’s a pleasure to be talking to you today, the dress is from Topshop, I saw it online and I just knew I had to have it, I LOVE the floral pattern, it really lifts my spirits up on those cold lonely nights in the Tora Bora caves. I ordered one of my Mujahedeen fighters in the UK to get it for me; obviously I can’t order it myself as Topshop are part of the global Jewish conspiracy!

Q. That’s a bit Anti Semitic isn’t it!?!

A. Yeah, sorry, it’s not me, my dad used to say stuff like that and I guess it just rubbed off, I quite fond of the Jews really, my boyfriend Michael is half Jewish.

Q. Your boyfriend, tell me more.

A. Well, it was 2002, the Americans were winning the War in Afghanistan, I thought it was the end and I would be captured and killed by George Bush. I was fighting alongside 12 of my brothers, trying to defeat a small unit of infidels. All of my fighters were martyred and we had killed all but one of the filthy American pigs, but both of us had run out of ammo. Our eyes met, and we both felt such an instant connection. Instead of fighting we just made love for hours, we spent the rest of the night lying under the stars, talking, it was the most magical night of my life.

Q. How long did you keep this new relationship a secret for?

A. Eight long years, it was so difficult, Michaels family thought he had been killed in action, it wasn’t until Obama repealed don’t ask don’t tell that we could finally reveal all. Michael said he didn’t want the shame of being kicked out of the US army because he was gay. Of course my friends have known about it for years, I can’t believe how supportive they all are. I really want to be a role model for more Islamist militants to come out, it’s such a tough step but in a supportive atmosphere it can be such an enriching experience.

Q. Tell me about your new book, “Land of a Thousand Smiles” why should I read it?

A. During my life, I’ve travelled all over the world, I’ve been to the Sudan, the USA, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, I’ve even been a season ticket holder at Arsenal FC, but ever since George Bush’s War of Terror, I’ve been stuck living in caves. Not that I don’t like my cave, it’s exquisite, it’s got all IKEA furniture and it’s even got one of those nice Bang & Olufsen phones. Apple were nice enough to give me an iPhone, iPad and Mac Book in return for a product placement in my next big terrorist video. But I wish I was out travelling again, so I wrote this book about all my travels to try and rekindle the sense of adventure I miss so much. You should read it if you’re the kind of person who likes nonstop twists, turns and red hot gypsy action!

Q. In 2005, a picture came out of you in a swimsuit looking very fat, was this a tough time for you?

A. It was, I can’t lie, Michael had had it with me, I wasn’t spending enough time with him, he said it was me or Al Qaeda, it was the most difficult decision I’ve had to make, eventually we came up with a compromise, I would lead Al Qaeda part time and spend the rest of time with Michael, but that whole time I found the only comfort I had in life was Ben and Jerry’s. God I love Cherry Garcia, ooh and Phish Food, I LOOOVE ZE PHISH FOOD! Unfortunately I gained 8 stone; it was a dark dark time for me.

Q. What makes you tick?

A. Ouch, good question, I think probably knowing that I have a page on Wikipedia, I think that if you have a page of your own on Wikipedia, you’ve had a good life, that and my dialysis machine.

Q. Finally, Ozzy Bin Laden, what’s your favourite song currently in the charts.

A. Without a doubt its “Friday” by Rebecca Black, I love the lyrics; they speak to me in a way that no song has ever spoken to me before. I mean, yesterday was Thursday, today it is Friday, tomorrow it’s Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards. Just beautiful, mark my words, she’s the next Dylan.

Osama Bin Laden, thank you!