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| Travelling can be a very lonely business. |
Video of the Day: Joyce Conner's Advice for a Christmas for One!
As many travellers know, Christmas can be a pretty lonely time of year. Last year I was unfortunate enough to spend Christmas by myself. Here's a video for all those RTW travellers who'll be by themselves for Christmas this year.
It was made by my good friend Joyce Conner, who, unfortunately tried to kill herself late last year. She's recovering well but she wants nothing more than to off herself, lets wish her the best of luck!
Travel Tip of the Day: How to cross the road in Chaotic Countries
One of the aspects of Chinese life which stuck me as terrifying not too long ago was crossing the road. Don't get me wrong, China is undoubtedly one of the most over organized countries in the world. It's level of meaningless bureaucracy is beyond the wildest dreams of most Whitehall bureaucrats, but its roads reflect a rather different reality.
The volume of traffic is vast, and often, unpenetrable. A single pedestrian will often find himself standing bravely against a stampede of trucks, buses, cars, Mian Bao Ches (Bread Car (Van in English)) and E-Bikes if hes not too careful.
The traffic is also unpredictable with drivers always happy to drive on the wrong side of the road, on the pavement, drunk, too fast, without looking were they are going, or, more often than not, all of the above.
So, to help you, here is my handy guide to Crossing the road in countries of "organized chaos", I call it,
Sammy's Generic Crossing the Road in Dangerous Countries like China and India (not that I've ever been to India) Guide:
Tip Number 1:
Only Cross the road if necessary. Pretty obvious right? Not here in China! You would be amazed at how many people die crossing the road under a pedestrian bridge or tunnel! Idiots!
Tip Number 2:
Safety in Numbers! You'll be amazed at how many cars will screech to a halt if they see a crowd of 15 or twenty people blindly step out in front of them! This is good as a last resort, and usually it takes about 10 or 15 minutes to gather enough people to invade the road by force.
Tip Number 3:
Always use human shields. While the use of human shields may be banned as a war crime, in times of peace, it can legitimately be used as a way to cross the road. Just make sure there are always other people between you and oncoming traffic. When you get to the middle of the road, simply swap positions and use them again. Better them than you, right?
Note, keep a look out for cars and trucks on the wrong side of the road, they can seriously hinder the "human shield" technique, which could make you late for your court date in The Hague.
Tip Number 4:
Look out for E-Bikes! These guys are nuts! They can't drive, they don't look where they're going and they blame you when they crash into you!
Tip Number 5:
Don't video yourself like this idiot did (Note: I've done this many times, it really shocks friends and family back home!)
Congratulations, you're now ready to put your life on the line trying to cross the road in some exotic and disorganized nation. Good luck!!
The volume of traffic is vast, and often, unpenetrable. A single pedestrian will often find himself standing bravely against a stampede of trucks, buses, cars, Mian Bao Ches (Bread Car (Van in English)) and E-Bikes if hes not too careful.
The traffic is also unpredictable with drivers always happy to drive on the wrong side of the road, on the pavement, drunk, too fast, without looking were they are going, or, more often than not, all of the above.
So, to help you, here is my handy guide to Crossing the road in countries of "organized chaos", I call it,
Sammy's Generic Crossing the Road in Dangerous Countries like China and India (not that I've ever been to India) Guide:
Tip Number 1:
Only Cross the road if necessary. Pretty obvious right? Not here in China! You would be amazed at how many people die crossing the road under a pedestrian bridge or tunnel! Idiots!
 | ||
| China has invested millions in cool looking footbridges for pedestrians, but you'll be amazed at how many people still get splatted because they cant be bothered to climb up the steps! |
Tip Number 2:
Safety in Numbers! You'll be amazed at how many cars will screech to a halt if they see a crowd of 15 or twenty people blindly step out in front of them! This is good as a last resort, and usually it takes about 10 or 15 minutes to gather enough people to invade the road by force.
 |
| Chinese Ducks often use the safety in numbers technique to safely cross the road! |
Tip Number 3:
Always use human shields. While the use of human shields may be banned as a war crime, in times of peace, it can legitimately be used as a way to cross the road. Just make sure there are always other people between you and oncoming traffic. When you get to the middle of the road, simply swap positions and use them again. Better them than you, right?
Note, keep a look out for cars and trucks on the wrong side of the road, they can seriously hinder the "human shield" technique, which could make you late for your court date in The Hague.
 |
| Militant Islamists have also been know to use human shields to cross the road. A wise decision! |
Tip Number 4:
Look out for E-Bikes! These guys are nuts! They can't drive, they don't look where they're going and they blame you when they crash into you!
 |
| E Bikes are the most dangerous vehicles in China |
Tip Number 5:
Don't video yourself like this idiot did (Note: I've done this many times, it really shocks friends and family back home!)
Congratulations, you're now ready to put your life on the line trying to cross the road in some exotic and disorganized nation. Good luck!!
Finding a Job Placement Teaching English in China: Part 3
I awoke in a lovely little hotel room in China, and happily snaked on the crisps and bananas I'd bought in the local supermarket the night before. It was my first morning in China and I was bursting with excitement. The Sun was shining and my body, unused to the Chinese clocks had woken me up at 6:30am. Great! I thought to myself, 3 hours to explore before Carol (If you don't know who she is please read part 2) would come to wake me up and take me to NDI, my new place of work.
Walking around Zhengzhou, I got the impression that this was a great dirty bustling metropolis, towerblocks as far as the eye could see (which evidently wasn't very far). The streets where wide with glass colossuses tempting passers by into their expensive looking luxury stores. Next to the modern apartment buildings and shopping malls where excessively large building sites, the kind of which are unheard of in Europe or the "Developed" world. Next to which were the old, Maoist 7 storey blocks which still dominate China, slowly waiting to be demolished. After an hour of walking I bought some tasty looking street food through gestures. A big pot of fried noodles, as it turned out, far too much for me, I brought the leftovers back to my hotel with me.
When Carol came to find me at my hotel, out of politeness, I offered her a banana.
"How did you get zose!" She Barked,
"I bought them", (Well I'm not going to steal them am I?) I thought to myself.
"But you a foreigner!" She Shouted, expecting some sort of apology from me.
"Sorry, I am not allowed bananas?"
"If you wanted food you should have asked me!"
"Why?", I couldn’t wait for her explanation.
"You a foreigner, you can get lost! You don't speak Chinese, Chinese people like trick foreigners, you are stupid!", she frantically explained.
"Oh dear, am I? What should I do then?", I said whilst rolling my eyes.
"You call me, you let me handle it! Where did you get zose bananas?"
I thought to myself, I managed to get from London to Zhengzhou and find you with no problems, in the process running the gauntlet across this sprawling chaotic city, and now I'm a foreign idiot too stupid to buy stuff, how did that happen?
"The Supermarket of Course!" I hastily replied.
"How you find supermarket!!?!?!?" She screamed in a fit of utter confusion.
Good Grief I thought to myself, does she seriously think that all foreigners are morons? "There's a big sign saying Walmart", It dosen't take a bloody rocket scientist does it?
"But you a foreigner!", She kindly reminded me.
"Yep", I sighed, growing weary of the conversation.
She continued to lecture me in her broken English on how foreigners are too stupid to operate in China, but being to exhausted to argue with her insulting ignorance, I drifted off into a daydream.
After Carol had tired of insulting me, she guided me to what would be my place of work for the next year, the New Dynamic Institute (or NDI for short), a very expensive English language training school at the heart of Zhengzhou. As it turned out, NDI was on the third floor of Da Shanghai, a gigantic modern shopping centre at the centre of Zhengzhou which I had mistaken for a stadium due to its gigantic dome. As we made our way through the school, I was astonished at how empty the place was. I was then lead upstairs to the staffroom where I was introduced to three of the other teachers, all sitting vacantly, twiddling their thumbs. One of the teachers I recognized as Alice, the woman who interviewed me 4 months prior ("Sorry, the official we used to bribe has moved to New York so we have to do your visa the slow way").
I said "Hello, pleased to meet you" (What else would you say?)
She replied "Hello Sam, You wery hansume!" while undressing me with her eyes.
I found it a little unnerving to be checked out by a rather plump, over made up, middle aged Chinese woman so I started talking to the other two. Their anglicized names were Helen, a quiet young lady who mainly kept to herself, and Nikki, a rather loud and brash young woman with an incredibly wide face, so much so it made her look rather like a rugby ball. They both seemed nice enough, they told me about the school, the city, the job and themselves, all the while, a still gobsmacked Carol was retelling the incredible story of how a foreigner bought Bananas in Supermarket to a now equally surprised Alice!
Alice Inturrupted my conversation with Helen and Nikki by saying,
"Oh Sam, you are wery clewer!"
"Am I?" I replied indifferently.
"You buy food by yourself!?"
"Yep"
"But you are in China now!", she confided in me, (Is that supposed to make a difference?)
"Apparently", I sneered in a fawltyesque manner.
"So if you need sing to tell me and we let you to do what, ok?"
Pardon, I thought to myself, but I thought it best just to nod in agreement. "OK!"
After Alice wandered off to bother some other poor soul, I asked Helen and Nikki what on Earth just happened, they told me to get used to Alice and Carol, they were always like that.
So that's my story, finding a job teaching English in China is easy. Native English speakers are like gold dust out there, Don't pay an agency to go to China, EVER, they should be paying you! Get a TEFL certificate to double your salary. Find a way to pass the time while you're waiting for your visa and for the love of Mao, don't expect to have a normal human relationship with your coworkers. To them, you are a foreigner, not a person, a commodity to be used, too stupid to look after yourself.
It makes me wonder how in the world I managed to survive 22 years, travelling to 23 countries without a superior, arrogant, insulting, shamelessly racist idiot like Alice or Carol telling me how to buy bananas in a supermarket. Thank god the Chinese aren’t all like this, but there certainly seems to be a lot of them!
Walking around Zhengzhou, I got the impression that this was a great dirty bustling metropolis, towerblocks as far as the eye could see (which evidently wasn't very far). The streets where wide with glass colossuses tempting passers by into their expensive looking luxury stores. Next to the modern apartment buildings and shopping malls where excessively large building sites, the kind of which are unheard of in Europe or the "Developed" world. Next to which were the old, Maoist 7 storey blocks which still dominate China, slowly waiting to be demolished. After an hour of walking I bought some tasty looking street food through gestures. A big pot of fried noodles, as it turned out, far too much for me, I brought the leftovers back to my hotel with me.
 |
| The Seemingly Endless Tower Blocks of Zhengzhou |
When Carol came to find me at my hotel, out of politeness, I offered her a banana.
"How did you get zose!" She Barked,
"I bought them", (Well I'm not going to steal them am I?) I thought to myself.
"But you a foreigner!" She Shouted, expecting some sort of apology from me.
"Sorry, I am not allowed bananas?"
"If you wanted food you should have asked me!"
"Why?", I couldn’t wait for her explanation.
"You a foreigner, you can get lost! You don't speak Chinese, Chinese people like trick foreigners, you are stupid!", she frantically explained.
"Oh dear, am I? What should I do then?", I said whilst rolling my eyes.
"You call me, you let me handle it! Where did you get zose bananas?"
I thought to myself, I managed to get from London to Zhengzhou and find you with no problems, in the process running the gauntlet across this sprawling chaotic city, and now I'm a foreign idiot too stupid to buy stuff, how did that happen?
 |
| Very Weird Looking Manikins in the Kid's Clothing Section of Zhengzhou, Erqi, Walmart. The Supermarket in which I bought the fateful Bananas. |
"The Supermarket of Course!" I hastily replied.
"How you find supermarket!!?!?!?" She screamed in a fit of utter confusion.
Good Grief I thought to myself, does she seriously think that all foreigners are morons? "There's a big sign saying Walmart", It dosen't take a bloody rocket scientist does it?
"But you a foreigner!", She kindly reminded me.
"Yep", I sighed, growing weary of the conversation.
She continued to lecture me in her broken English on how foreigners are too stupid to operate in China, but being to exhausted to argue with her insulting ignorance, I drifted off into a daydream.
After Carol had tired of insulting me, she guided me to what would be my place of work for the next year, the New Dynamic Institute (or NDI for short), a very expensive English language training school at the heart of Zhengzhou. As it turned out, NDI was on the third floor of Da Shanghai, a gigantic modern shopping centre at the centre of Zhengzhou which I had mistaken for a stadium due to its gigantic dome. As we made our way through the school, I was astonished at how empty the place was. I was then lead upstairs to the staffroom where I was introduced to three of the other teachers, all sitting vacantly, twiddling their thumbs. One of the teachers I recognized as Alice, the woman who interviewed me 4 months prior ("Sorry, the official we used to bribe has moved to New York so we have to do your visa the slow way").
 |
| The Centre of Zhengzhou, with the Mysterious Dome of Da Shanghai (The Grand Shanghai Shopping Mall) at the bottom of the picture. |
I said "Hello, pleased to meet you" (What else would you say?)
She replied "Hello Sam, You wery hansume!" while undressing me with her eyes.
I found it a little unnerving to be checked out by a rather plump, over made up, middle aged Chinese woman so I started talking to the other two. Their anglicized names were Helen, a quiet young lady who mainly kept to herself, and Nikki, a rather loud and brash young woman with an incredibly wide face, so much so it made her look rather like a rugby ball. They both seemed nice enough, they told me about the school, the city, the job and themselves, all the while, a still gobsmacked Carol was retelling the incredible story of how a foreigner bought Bananas in Supermarket to a now equally surprised Alice!
Alice Inturrupted my conversation with Helen and Nikki by saying,
"Oh Sam, you are wery clewer!"
"Am I?" I replied indifferently.
"You buy food by yourself!?"
"Yep"
"But you are in China now!", she confided in me, (Is that supposed to make a difference?)
"Apparently", I sneered in a fawltyesque manner.
"So if you need sing to tell me and we let you to do what, ok?"
Pardon, I thought to myself, but I thought it best just to nod in agreement. "OK!"
After Alice wandered off to bother some other poor soul, I asked Helen and Nikki what on Earth just happened, they told me to get used to Alice and Carol, they were always like that.
 |
| Before going to China, make sure you're going to a nice city. Qingdao (Pictured) is a lot nicer than Zhengzhou! |
So that's my story, finding a job teaching English in China is easy. Native English speakers are like gold dust out there, Don't pay an agency to go to China, EVER, they should be paying you! Get a TEFL certificate to double your salary. Find a way to pass the time while you're waiting for your visa and for the love of Mao, don't expect to have a normal human relationship with your coworkers. To them, you are a foreigner, not a person, a commodity to be used, too stupid to look after yourself.
It makes me wonder how in the world I managed to survive 22 years, travelling to 23 countries without a superior, arrogant, insulting, shamelessly racist idiot like Alice or Carol telling me how to buy bananas in a supermarket. Thank god the Chinese aren’t all like this, but there certainly seems to be a lot of them!
Finding a Placement Teaching English in China: My Experience with NDI (Part 2)
Part 2:
(Apologies for the delay)
I was told by Alice, the "headteacher" at Zhengzhou's branch of the New Dynamic Institute (NDI) that somebody called Carol would meet me at the Airport, but just in case "something went wrong", I was given Carol's number. "What could go wrong", I naively thought to myself, while on my KLM from Amsterdam to Beijing, planes are usually pretty reliable and how hard can it be to get to the airport?
I realised almost immidiatley that I was still in European mode, expecting efficiency, expecting smooth sailing and counting on organisation when I should have been lowering my standards to meet the Chinese way. Now despite lowering my expectations, nothing could have prepared me for the chaos that was Beijing Capital Airport. During my 2 hour transfer, I was told to queue to leave the airport, then queue to get back in again, almost missing my flight in the process. The Experience made me sure that the baggage handlers in Beijing would lose my suitcase.
My cynicism was to be proven right at Zhengzhou airport when an attendant from China Southern Airlines guided me away from the luggage carousel half an hour after all the other passengers had left with their luggage in tow.
"Come me", She said,
I followed knowing full well what she meant. She lead me into a funny little office where she asked me if I knew anyone in Zhengzhou. I gave her Carol's number and she rang it. The two spoke for five minuted before the attendant handed the phone to me. I was told by my new colleague that my luggage was in Beijing and I could collect it in a few days. Meanwhile, I should get the bus to Zhengzhou City Centre.
"I thought your were supposed to meet me at the airport"
"No", she unequivocally replied,
"But Alice told me that you were suppos.."
She interrupted me mid-sentence "Alice didn’t say that, you take bus",
I was starving, weary and in no mood for an argument.
"Which Bus?"
"Shuttle Bus, then 37 west until you get to Renmin Lu"
"Pardon?"
She repeated herself and I wrote her instructions in my notebook, so much for a nice easy airport pickup like the website had boasted.
The attendant helped my buy a ticket for the Zhengzhou Airport Shuttle Bus and somehow I navigated my way to the Renmin Lu stop of the number 37 bus with the help of some very broken Mandarin but I wasn't complaining, I enjoyed the adventure.
Carol was waiting for me at the bus stop and I was escorted to my expensive little hotel (foreigners are thought of as rich in China). She then wandered off as quickly as she had appeared and I was once again by myself. Before I went to sleep, I popped down to the local supermarket to buy some bananas, water and crisps as the journey had left me needing sustenance.
That night I slept like a baby, dreaming of what my new life in China might bring.
End of part 2.
(I promise part 3 will come soon!) (And I'm pretty sure part 3 will be far more interesting, part 2 was rubbish)
(Apologies for the delay)
I was told by Alice, the "headteacher" at Zhengzhou's branch of the New Dynamic Institute (NDI) that somebody called Carol would meet me at the Airport, but just in case "something went wrong", I was given Carol's number. "What could go wrong", I naively thought to myself, while on my KLM from Amsterdam to Beijing, planes are usually pretty reliable and how hard can it be to get to the airport?
I realised almost immidiatley that I was still in European mode, expecting efficiency, expecting smooth sailing and counting on organisation when I should have been lowering my standards to meet the Chinese way. Now despite lowering my expectations, nothing could have prepared me for the chaos that was Beijing Capital Airport. During my 2 hour transfer, I was told to queue to leave the airport, then queue to get back in again, almost missing my flight in the process. The Experience made me sure that the baggage handlers in Beijing would lose my suitcase.
 |
| Beijing Capital Airport, The Hub of Nightmares |
My cynicism was to be proven right at Zhengzhou airport when an attendant from China Southern Airlines guided me away from the luggage carousel half an hour after all the other passengers had left with their luggage in tow.
"Come me", She said,
I followed knowing full well what she meant. She lead me into a funny little office where she asked me if I knew anyone in Zhengzhou. I gave her Carol's number and she rang it. The two spoke for five minuted before the attendant handed the phone to me. I was told by my new colleague that my luggage was in Beijing and I could collect it in a few days. Meanwhile, I should get the bus to Zhengzhou City Centre.
 |
| I had to navigate myself around Zhengzhou City to find my only contact in China |
"I thought your were supposed to meet me at the airport"
"No", she unequivocally replied,
"But Alice told me that you were suppos.."
She interrupted me mid-sentence "Alice didn’t say that, you take bus",
I was starving, weary and in no mood for an argument.
"Which Bus?"
"Shuttle Bus, then 37 west until you get to Renmin Lu"
"Pardon?"
She repeated herself and I wrote her instructions in my notebook, so much for a nice easy airport pickup like the website had boasted.
The attendant helped my buy a ticket for the Zhengzhou Airport Shuttle Bus and somehow I navigated my way to the Renmin Lu stop of the number 37 bus with the help of some very broken Mandarin but I wasn't complaining, I enjoyed the adventure.
 |
| My Mandarin is Broken at best |
Carol was waiting for me at the bus stop and I was escorted to my expensive little hotel (foreigners are thought of as rich in China). She then wandered off as quickly as she had appeared and I was once again by myself. Before I went to sleep, I popped down to the local supermarket to buy some bananas, water and crisps as the journey had left me needing sustenance.
That night I slept like a baby, dreaming of what my new life in China might bring.
End of part 2.
(I promise part 3 will come soon!) (And I'm pretty sure part 3 will be far more interesting, part 2 was rubbish)
Very Quick Thought of the Day
I don't have much time, as, I do need a poo (I'm nothing if not honest). But before I do, I need to share this with you! Its a tool for anyone who wants to make their own generic travel blog! It's really fun and easy to use
http://paivisanteri.blogspot.de/2008/08/generic-travel-blog.html
Check it out!
http://paivisanteri.blogspot.de/2008/08/generic-travel-blog.html
Check it out!
 |
| This is what a generic travel blog should look like, mine is obviously far too interesting. |
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